something to call my own

I need so much to have something thats all mine.
I used to have that. I used to have my own friends, my own interests, my own everything.
it all started when I was about 5. I joined gymnastics. I was doing really really well, and I loved it. but then, Kaity got old enough to join, so she did. it was no longer, cami is great at gymnastics, it just becamesomething that we both did. then we had to quit...
then, I had a huge love for music, I was always on the piano, I tought myself how to read the music for beginners. I tought myself two songs. it was great. and Itried to play guitar, I was no good, but I was 5, come on. and I sang, all the time. never stopped. I sang before I could talk.I sang about my food, about where we were going. everything. but, I wasn't good, ofcourse I wasn't. I loved the rythem, I didn't know what a note was. so, kaity made fun of me, my mom said I was horrible, and they said there was no point. so I had to stop.
I figured out harmonizing, I loved it, but then, Kaity's voice turned out to be more harmony and mine the melody.
I started acting in church, all the time. for the little kids, for the whole church, anything. I did well, but Jaquie found an interest in acting as well. and Kaity joined.
I started dancing in church, for plays, in school, anything. Kaity found dancing nice too, she did better then me....
I took a sewing class. I made pillows and shorts and knew how to use a sewing machine. Katy decided she wanted to do fashion, or costumes, suddenly, people asked her to sew costumes in plays, not me.
I used to have my own friends, I loved it, and they got along with my sisters, which was great, but I could hang out with just them too...
now, if my sisters don't go, its a question as to where are they. and I have to get home in time to feed them.
I had my own room, a place I could go at night, or any time, and cry my eyes out when my mom hurt me. or when we got in a fight, or just to listen to my music or sing. or do what was truly me.
I share a room now. it's never clean.

so this whole blog sounds really dumb, I know. but, i'm crying while writing the whole thing. i'm here because I have no one to talk to anymore. no one for just me. no one to just listen. to everything I have to say. no one that gets me. no one that can say, take a break, I got it from here. I can't do this on my own at 19. but I have no choice. my teen years have been takin away from me, and I have no place to go anymore to just get taken away.
last year, choir was what I truly had. when ever she hit me,whenever she yelled at me. when she made me wish I was dead. I went to choir. I sang, I harmonized, I learned new songs. I was able to drown myself in music. the girls there helped me through everything. I was doing ok. I had the time of my life learning hide and seek, being men.
then, this whole thing happend. every little thing that the song hide and seek mentioned. it happend, to me, in real life. I sit here to this day, in the same room, that those very words describe.
we listen to that song, almost every day. they listen to it all the time. it's beautiful.
but, in the words of daniel, it now makes me want to slit my wrists and do 1,000 push ups in salt water. it has so many painful memories.
every song we sang last year gives me visions of what used to be. how I was treated. the true reasons where my bruises and tears came from.
I want to cry, scream, run away, yell, anything. but I can't. I need to stay strong. no one needs this. everyone needs to see that its ok. and you see that by having someone strong in your life. someone who says, it didn't effect me, so it must be fine.
i'mtrying to give them that...
but where's my strong person?
where's my "it will be ok"?
what am I supposed to do?

now this is getting pointless, and I don't know what i'm saying anymore, I can never put how I feel in words. it's not possible, all I know is that I really hurt. i'm pushing my limit. and everyone needs to back off.
I need....
I need something different

i'm worthless

So things have been really really good lately. I havn't seemed to have many cares at all. like really. even yesterday when a ton of shit happend with my mom, it only upset me for a little bit, and then I was fine, but I still find myself feeling sad in the back of my mind.
I now know why I have this feeling of sadness. and I really don't like this reason, but it is because of one person I am so sad. and I know that that will never, ever change, it's impossible for her. asking her to change would be like asking her to cange for me. and that isn't right. at all
it's not a bg really. I mean, I guess I don't mind it. i'm used to it.
I have always been the one that goes out of my way to make her happy, to make everyone happy. to never spend money onmyself. or ever ask for anything from her. all my money, from graduation, birthdays, christmas, everything, it went to them. and I still feel terrible because my graduation took over both of theres. they both finished school while I finished a bigger level of school, and so they wern't in the big picture, they were just in the background. and I always feel terrible about that.
Now, we had a very tragic thing happen to us, and I feel like its my fault. it's because of me that we are going through all this, and if I wern't here, this never would have happend. maybe it would have happend but it wouldn't have been bad.
I am not important at all. I can't change there lives, as hard as I try, and I now know, that by trying my hardest to do every fucking thing possible, I am getting in the way and making them unhappy.
so I guess I should just not help them? not do things for them?
there's the real reason why i'm sad, because of myself. I am upset with myself because no matter how hard I try, I will never be good enough, ever...
and it upsets me. a lot. and I really don't know what to do....
i'll just continue to try and make them happy. and not upset them. i'll give them everything that I ever wanted, but no one did it for me. so Iwill give it to them.....