memories

So life was going pretty amazing for awhile. Ihad someone that I loved and could call my own. He was amazing. We had our flaws, but who doesn't. then, I went and fucked it all up. I decided that icouldn't handle all of this. I have too much going on. I don't know what I want. So I told him I need time. cuz really, that is what I need, and needed. I knew that if we were still together all the time things would be worse. I would just be another problem. Like I have been to most people.
you know, sometimes, I wonder why people even hang out with me. Why bother. I'm not happy, i'm not like I used to be. fun and outgoing. i'm the old mom who has to be responsible. Give her kids what they want and watch out for them. Not that I don't love Kaity and Jaquie. cuz I really do. they're are my life. Basically why i'm still here, to watch after them. But, I had to learn to become responsible at that age. I had to get good grades, go to all my rehersals, cook dinner, clean, and still watch after them. I had to grow up, and fast. But Kaity and jaquie have that all taken care of for them. which is great. But sometimes, I miss my freedom. So I go out, all the time. To take these last few chances that I have. And that's great don't get me wrong, but there are so many stresses at home that just build up and build up. I used to be able to hide it. put it aside, leave it at home for a bit. But now, it's like theres a thousand little chains, each one with a problem attached. and I can't do anything cuz they're all there. Sometimes I think if i had my on apartment. I had to pay my own bills, have the stresses at a job. I would be less stressed then I am now. But I guess that's what comes along with having kids right? So I should learn to deal with it. That's what i'm here for, for them.
The thought of them is usually just enough. Except that they basically don't want me around, hate when I try and help them, and i'm just left alone. that's fine, I don't need to be with them, but they invite me because they feel that they have to. They pitty me. it's not because i'm wanted. it's because they feel that its kinda like my payment. So I turned to Bryant. He wanted me there. all the time.
So then we get back to how I fucked that up. I was needed everywhere. I still am, family, cleaning, realitors, hospitol bills, distant friends, fights, school, work. I just couldn't handle it. And it ended up that I totally neglected him. My mind was so full of so many things, everything was crossing paths. and I could give him my full attention anymore. It got too hard to hang out. We lived so far, his school didn't work with mine, so many things came up. He understood, I know that. But it still hurt him very much. I know that. And I was accused of cheating from some people. So that didn't make anything better. But I felt terrible, and Started questioning myself. so I did all that I knew to. I talked to him about it. He freaked out and took it to the extremes. A month of no talking to him. It broke my heart. So I said we just need a break thats all. we'll be ok after this passes. And so he said some things. some things that really hurt. Because he knows they were sensitve subjects. He knows that what he said to do was not reality. Because If I could move on, I would have a long time ago. But its hard to move on from things when they are happening at that very moment. It's kind of like watching your dog die and not being upset. anyways, it really hurt. then some other shit happend. not even 10 minutes later. So I had no time to be upset. none at all. I was distracted, which was good. Until today, when I finally had some down time. And I realized what happend. What was said, what everyone said about the situation. And what a lot of people said the smart thing to do was. Part of me thinks they're right. part of me hates myself for thinking that.
So this was basically a pointless blog, just to get things off my chest. I'm really trying not to show my sadness again. I used to be so happy, and I believed that. but now I can't fake it. So i'm gonna start trying again. I really am.
and Bryant, if you're reading this. i'm sorry I hurt you so bad. I didn't mean too. you can delete that stuff I wrote on your profile if you want....

.......555555555

I fucked up.









end of story.