detox

Wow. my life is annoying. If it were a movie, it'd be a best seller. for real. Funny thing is, whenever I come on here to vent I forget everything I really wanted to say.
truth is, i've lost all my friends. my close friends. It happens every time I get close to someone. but just when I become really close, begin to think it's ok to trust again, I mess it up. I've lost a friend because of my stupidity. I messed it up this time, for no reason. and now I have no one. I mean yeah, I have friends, sure I do. but not the close ones that I used to have. not the ones that meant the most to me. Not the ones I loved.
so here's the question, do I try and fix this? Do I let them come to me, to decide to take me back? Do I leave them, make all new friends? have fun with the old ones, become closer to the not so close ones? Or do I get rid of people all together, focus only on school, study, work, at all hours I possibly can. fix my life, I think thats the one i;m gonna choose. I'm going to detoxify my life. So far, besides the emotional pain of losing my friends, its working for me. i'm starting to feel better, and everyone else is happier without me.
as for my sister. i let her upset me, so much, and no one seems to understand why. but she was also a best friend I lost. to another best friend, but i've learned to deal with it. i've seen what I could have become and i'm glad i didn't, she can do what she wants. I am me, and thats all i can be.
I have to make myself sucessful, I am being judged, by everyone. I have yet to meet someone that fully aproves of me. but one day. they will see. They will be jealous.
and this is the beginning of my new life. the one I plan to make amazing.