life right now....

I miss life how it used to be. when things were normal. I miss being busy, having to do eveything at once, but with help. i miss having people to talk to, happy or sad. i miss being in my sisters lives, knowing what was going on with them. but now...
now i'm alone. i sit here, while they have fun. cleaning the house by myself, figuring out dinner, trying to cook it on time. wishing they were here to have fun with. only for them to come home happy and having fun, then complain that dinner isn't ready yet, and they're starving. for my dad to say i don't appreiate anything, its never clean in here. i don't do a thing. for dinner to not be good enough. for me to not be good enough. I'm stupid because i can't take them home from school, or give them a ride. i'm dumb because i don't have a job.
but i'm always happy. always. i'm smiling, even when my ideas are shot down. its ok. i deal with there high school problems, but still, i don't know anything. i still smile. i spend all my money on them, what they want. the food they want, both our parents gifts. but thats ok, its what i'm here for right? yeah
i don't get help cooking or cleaning. i'm by myself until its time for fun.
today we went shopping, which was fun. good time. but it still was about them. everything, was about them. until someone stepped in and said, give cami a chance...
i don't want to complain, i hate complaining.
i'm just tired of being that smile, when times are bad, and no one can see howi truly feel. but why should they. why should we all be sad. someone needs to smile, right?i just don't think i can do it alone much longer....
i need help.....

before i die

so i always say i want to do something. and its true. i do. i just never get to doing it. so i decided to make a list of things i want to do before i die. who knows what i'll come up with.

1. go sky diving
2. bungee jumping
3. swim with dolphins
4. jump in a pile of leaves
5. make a differance in someones life
6. travel the world
7. learn a new language

well thats it for now...

my weekend...

so my weekend is a mix of emotions. i went to my grandmas house yesterday, to see it empty, for the first time since grandpa, my role model,passed away. it was sad, yet happy because i could remember him, as he was. so then i met my dads friend wendy and her parents. it was so weird how much our family was alike. her oldest son, was my same age, born in the same month, and freakin great at music. odd, i know! her dad was born the same day as my grandpa, just so weird. oh and i had sushi for the first time. it was well, i'm not gonna have it again if you catch my drift.
so i get home and allie texts me to go ice skating with her, moose, and there sisters. so of course we went! didn't skate, but watched people fall. then talked about the most random things. such a great time. me and kaity tok random pictures. great day.
so then we get to today. my moms house... i decided to go again. not happy about it, but i like being there with kaity and jaquie. i'm able to just kinda push my mom aside, while still being nice of course. but yeah, thats my weekend. maybe a movie night tonight!! =]

New Year Resolutions....

So I'm not usually one to make a new years resolution. but this year i decided i will. i may not stick to what i say, and that's really no big deal to me. I'm just going to try my best. I'm not sure what they will be yet, so this is what blog spot is for right! a diary online that everyone can read, people that i don't even know. ha, anyway. so here it goes.

1. trustworthy
i want people to trust me more. i want them to tell me something, and i can keep it to myself. i don't want to ruin surprises, i want to be trusted with hearts and souls. i have always tried my best to keep secrets, but not well enough i suppose. so more trustworthy.

2. spread the love
i want to make everyone i meet or see smile. strangers, i want to bring a smile to there face. friends, i never want them sad. family, I'll always be by there side. just all around, i want people to know that at least one person loves them on this earth, and that person is me.

3. gossip and rumors
i do not want to be the spreader of gossip or rumors. gossip is just entertainment that keeps people social. it is something to talk about instead of talking about yourself. rumors are hurtful to everyone and always come back to you. if i hear a rumor now, i WILL go straight to the person its about and ask them for the truth. no third party assumptions or information. just the truth.

4. i will not belittle others
i will not put down others, to there face, or to anyone else just to make myself feel better. people are worth who they are, not what they do, or what they look like. there personality is key. its important to remember that we all have flaws. most different then others. we have to deal with other peoples flaws, just as much as they have to deal with ours. no one is better then anyone else at all. i know this kind of goes with gossip, but it is important to me that i don't make anyone feel like shit. just because of one little thing.

5. forgive and forget
i have always said to forgive and forget. but that's not right. forgive yes, i will always forgive. we all make mistakes. we all need second chances, sometimes third and fourth. but forget is not always right. we have to be realistic. if someone has hurt us, we will never forget it, ever. but forgive, needs to be done. we all learn from our mistakes. so i may take a little while, the trust factor may go down a bit. but i will forgive, and realize, and hope, that you have learned, and can fix it for next time. and also remember that i am not perfect either, and hope the same is done for me.

6. spontaneous and outgoing
i want to do what is on my mind. bungee jumping, sky diving, things i have always wanted to do, but never have, because i have to plan it out. i want to be daring, do things out of random, surprise people in the wildest ways. outgoing. i want to not care what people think, let them talk, and know that i am happy, and as long as I'm making other people happy, it is right.

7. brave
i want to be brave, in all sorts of ways. i love being on stage, by myself, or with others, singing for people is so great. being entertaining and having that kind of energy and attention feels so great every time. and i never get nervous. but when it comes to singing for a single person, or a few friends and family, i freeze. I'm never as good as i can be, and i freak out. i want to know that I'm good and share with them my love for singing and music. also, i want to be the daring one that will check what that noise was, or go down to the basement alone. dark won't scare me, neither will shadows and noises. i will feel secure in my house alone, and know that if someone or something comes to harm me, i can protect myself.

8. positive and grateful
i am one to know that there is always a bright side to things. everything. as small or great as it may be, we can not get through life without looking for the good in things. you may have to dig deep, but you will be able to find it! i also want to be grateful for everyone and everything in my life. god put it there for a reason, and i need to realize how lucky i am to have it.

9. religious
i seem to have lost, well not faith, but comittment in god and religion. i don't pray as much, and i havn't gone to church in quite sometime. i may not go to curch as much but i want to build my faith and look towards god when times get rough, even when theyre going good!

10. love my enemies
i remember in 7th grade orientation, the principle told us to hug someone if they are trying to hurt you. now i would never do that, but the point of it is what i remember. well the point that i got out of it at least. enemies think of you as bad, but really, you have a better relationship with them then most other people. keep your enemies close, because they know more about you then you would ever know. so the point of this one is, i want to always be there for my enemies, along with everyone. but if someone i don't like calls me up crying, i will talk with them and make sure they are ok.

11. love myself
i am always told that i put myself down too much. i don't think i am pretty, smart, outgoing, good enough for anyone, worth anything. none of that. but this year, i want to learn to love myself. i love others with all of my heart. but do not love myself. so theres one big one, learn to love myself, along with others.

12. there for my friends
i want to be there for everyone! any time of day or night, in good or bad times. when they need me, im there! to laugh with, to cry with, to talk with, everything. i will be there, here for them. they canjust stop by, and i'll be a shoulder to cry on. i will be here for them, as i would hope they will be here for me.

13. stop getting side tracked
i say i will do something, and i start it, i do. but i almost never finish it. so really this would be finish what i start. give my full attention to people that i'm with. multitask better. dont' get distracted, and work on self motivation.

14. no more cussing
this is pretty self explanitory. no more cussing! i know i won't stop completely, but tone it down a bit. =]

15. better myself
last but not least, i want to better myself. health wise, social, school, everything. no lies, i want to be truthful and honest. do what i want, not what others want, basically everything i wrote up top! do whats best for me, and the peope around me. and keep working on this list!!!!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!