amazing

so basically life is amazing right now. a great weekend. concert last night, saw brandon and choir people again. then becky and brittany came over and stayed the night, good times. oh and the electricity went out, so we had to eat in the dark with candles. very romantic if you ask me. haha so then we had a little fun. wich you don't need to know about, cuz we'll get in a lot of trouble if you knew. oh god. anywayssss, so now watching comedy central wth kaity, and the beach tomorrow. and i get to see lue!! yay!! haha then i turn 19 on saturday. disneyland!!!
and visitation... that's well yeah. but so far, it's been pretty good! don't know whathappend, but it's like my life is starting to turn around!
anywaysss, text me, cuz i love you!

it's amazing

i've never realized how one person can do something so simple, and have it change the way you think of them, how you feel. you constantly watch there actions, losten more carefully to what they say. think harder about what they do.
and it's amazing how someone else can do something so simple to make you forget about all those bad thoughts that were minutes ago, flooding your head with negativity.
yes, it's the same person i often finding myself talking about in these blogs. i've thought about writing in a notebook. it's probably better then here. i mean, more personal for sure. my own hand writing and all. far more personal then something online.but then i thought of all the times that i have read my sister's jornals. not on purpose really. but they were just laying there, and everyone gets curious. so before i know it, there i am. crying, hurt from what i've read. knowing that every page is filled with words of how unperfect i am, how i've messed up her life, again. all these lies i've lived by, thinking we were the best of friends. knowing that what she said was true, soon to find, it wasn't.
now it's not that i don't trust them, i do. i mean they may read it or not. i don't know. but i would want to spare them the thoughts that could hurt them in the same way her words hurt me. so i write here. for everyone to see. i know not many read this, probably none. but i am still thinking while i write that is is possible. these thoughts are now put down for the world to see. think and judge me how they'd like. we are all entitled to our opinions. and this is how i express mine.

RESPONSIBLE. this word has so many meanings, uses, descriptions. you can use it to describe some people, and not others. to me, it is a life. you can see it in a person, or the lack of it. to some people, it means to take care of yourself. pick up after yourself, do the work you need to, plan out your life to best suit your needs. keep you healthy. look after one person.to others, it is to take care of many people, look after the ones you care about, make sure they are living and healthy.
but to me, it is different. you see i have taken it to the next level. it means to make everyone happy. now you think thats dumb, thats not being responsible at all, it's just pleasing people. yes, this is true. it's just a small description though.
in order to be happy, you have to make yourself happy. which i cannot help. but you also have to be healthy, have things given to you, be put first, hear wonderful things.
i have done this for my family, but especially for one person. i give her what she needs, find her things, when she messes up, i am right there to fix it. i put myself last always. after everyone, it's a way of life. but now, it is time to stop.
i have also discovered that if you grow up having things handed to you, suddenly, you don't know what to do when things are not easy any more. and that is not a way to be happyor healthy.
so i am going to stop making the lunches, cleaning her mess, picking up her problems. it's time she realizes what i do. what she would live without if i never stepped up to that position. if she had to take care of herself. this is going to be hard. really hard, as i already found myself helping her today. within the hour i decided this.
but the truth is, she makes me cry. she makes me think, is it worth it? is life worth being put down all the time just to cater to someone else, and get nothing in return? i don't know. i never will.
now this suddenly seems to have no point, and it doesn't have to, as long as i get my words out.
and here they are, brace yourself

she pisses me off. like really, i can't stand it, i can't do it anymore. i hate being last, i hate givingup every litle thing just so i can be happy. i hate listening to her problems just to be shot down and suddenly be the bitch in the story. i hate her talking about me, when she says she's not. i hate not having her to talk to because she doesn't have the time of day for me, becasue her problems are so big. hate hate hate

but wait, i didn't say i hate her. and i hope i never will. most people will take all that the wrong way, and if they don't read this, that's how they will live. only seeing the negative, and stopping to pass up the positive. yes, it's true, we all do it. but the truth is, i don't mind listening to her problems, i don't mind helping her, taking care of her. not at all. the real problem here is that she doesn't have her life straight, she's following the path of my mom. and i don't like that. she doesn't either,if she knew she were doing it.
the thing that i hate the most...
i can't help her.
i can't come to the rescue this time, give my words of wisdom. and i'm scared. i'm scared she won't know what to do. she'll hurt somone, more then she hurt me. i guess i just have to wait. wait and hope that she will come to her senses, and remember what is important....

don't you think...

i get it. don't you?!
my whole life, my mother hasn't been a mother. no, i have been a mother to myself. i have had people dislike me, hate me even. everyone has. the one thing i learned in mr. sims class was that you cannot please everyone. not everyone will like you.
the important thing is that you are your own person. yeah its hard, its gonna upset you. i get it. i cry myself to sleep sometimes, and no one knows it. because i feel useless, hated,worthless, dumb, ugly,unwanted. by my own mother. don't you think it hurts me too?
yeah, it does. i know you think i can't relate, truth is, i can. but i don't go around telling myself that the world hates me, because of one person. its hard. but you have to do it.
i try and help, talk to you, but i get it shoved down my throat every time. for "trying" to understand. yelled at. upset, hurt. whatever, this isn't gonna do any good, i'll let you figure it out yourself, since thats what it seems you want. sorry i tried.