~~~~~

:)

detox

Wow. my life is annoying. If it were a movie, it'd be a best seller. for real. Funny thing is, whenever I come on here to vent I forget everything I really wanted to say.
truth is, i've lost all my friends. my close friends. It happens every time I get close to someone. but just when I become really close, begin to think it's ok to trust again, I mess it up. I've lost a friend because of my stupidity. I messed it up this time, for no reason. and now I have no one. I mean yeah, I have friends, sure I do. but not the close ones that I used to have. not the ones that meant the most to me. Not the ones I loved.
so here's the question, do I try and fix this? Do I let them come to me, to decide to take me back? Do I leave them, make all new friends? have fun with the old ones, become closer to the not so close ones? Or do I get rid of people all together, focus only on school, study, work, at all hours I possibly can. fix my life, I think thats the one i;m gonna choose. I'm going to detoxify my life. So far, besides the emotional pain of losing my friends, its working for me. i'm starting to feel better, and everyone else is happier without me.
as for my sister. i let her upset me, so much, and no one seems to understand why. but she was also a best friend I lost. to another best friend, but i've learned to deal with it. i've seen what I could have become and i'm glad i didn't, she can do what she wants. I am me, and thats all i can be.
I have to make myself sucessful, I am being judged, by everyone. I have yet to meet someone that fully aproves of me. but one day. they will see. They will be jealous.
and this is the beginning of my new life. the one I plan to make amazing.

thanks

I have finally figured out, my life is nothing without you. You saved my life. Honestly. I wouldn't be here today without you. Yet I wish you didn't love her. she's no good for you. You tell me everything, you told me everything. And I still wish and pray that it all is true. Everyone says it is, but what do they know? They don't know you like I do.
I guess i'm just glad to have you in my life, when no one else is.



So thank you.

I love you

I hate you

I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you.
never have I hated anyone else. nor have I ever thought I would ever truly use that word. but guess what, I mean it, I will never regret it. I can't stand you.
I no longer want to be friends with you. I don't want to see your face, hear your voice, even hear your name. I can't stand you.
I have faked it for so long. I thought you were good. then I realized the differance between good and a suck up.
I hate that you've turned her this way.
I hate what she has become.
and I hate you.

forever.
you can't make this up to me, or my family.
you never will be able to.
so shut up.
go home, away from me. cuz I don't want to see yo uanymore. ever. again.

fuck you

bitch

You have destroyed her. You have detroyed our entire family. you have lied to us. betrayed me, after you promsied you wouldn't. You have KILLED my best friend. I am a failure. I let this happen. I let everything happen. I let you ruin her. After she was ruined the first time, I promised it wouldn't happen again. Well it did. I let it happen. I can finally cry again. I said I didn't care anymore. that was a lie. I do. truth is, I will aways love her. and you won't, you don't. you think you do cuz you're not rigt in the head. but you don't. I do. but I can't really do anything anymore.
I'd confront you, but that would only make me hate you more. so i'll continue to let you kill me.
I am alone now. I don't know where to go our who to turst. everyone I start to trust or love leaves. betrays, hurts kills. I don't know that I can anymore. I don't know that I should. but I know I need to. which is why I chose two. but still. I don't know that I can.
I need to cry, I need to really cry. But i can't cuz theres no one here anymore to tell me its ok. like i continue to tell you even though you continue to kill me. thats right, i can't stand you,oor what you've done to us. but i still care.
our family used to be beautiful. we went theough everything together, cried and laughed together. you fucked that up for us. thanks a whole lot. it will never be the same. she will always hate me now because of you. so thank you. thank you for changing what we had. to makeit justlike yours. i no longer have sympathy for you. I no longer believe your llies. in fact, i can no longer be around you. not anmore.
i can't talk to you. i can't help you. i can't see you/
you chose to live a life of only her. well guess what, that what you're gettng now.
so, goodbye.
forever

Broken promises

over my entire almost 20 years, so many people have made so many promises to me.
and very few of them have ever kept there word. I would like to say that i have never broken a promise, but, i can't. I have broken a few as well. but, it is not intentional, i intend to always keep my promise, but sometimes, fate wins.
but the people that broke these promises, they made them so effortlessly, they were so meaningful, but not only did they break them, but they flat out forgot, just didnt care, or gave me a simple, sorry something came up.
bullshit. thats not right. i don't mind if you can't do what you said, point is, don't say you'll do it.
and then blow me off for someone else. whos better.
and always will be better
cuz i'm the shit of the earth.
no one really cares.
there as been two people that have never broken there promises to me. it may take them awhile sometimes, but it happens. and i am so glad i at least have them to prove to me that not all people don't care.
i always want to cry. but i can't.
and i always feel so used.
and like nothing will ever come out to how i want it.
i am constantly being let down. while i am trying my hardest not to let down anyone else.
just don't let me down anymore......

done being mom

I don't know where to start. but i need to write. thats all I know. I need to cry. I need to cry really bad. I don't know who to go to, don't know what to say. all I know is, i'm tired of being the responsible one. i'm tired of being mom. I wish I was just a friend again. a sister. I wish I had my life back. I miss it.
I so badly wish that i could have friends of my own. I know its probably the most selfish thing in the world. but it's like the one thing I want. to have a group of friends that I can go to, that my family knows, but are not best friends with. I wish I had those peopel to go to. I did. but now, because of some people, I don't. they are no longer my friends. they are our friends. I no longer have just my life. It's our life. as if I gave birth to these kids, and I take them with me, wherever I go.
and as much as I hate to say it, i'm jealous. I am so so jealous. of her. everyone likes her more. everyone, all my friends, my mom, everyone. it's not fair. I feel like the background person, someone just being used. and it hurts. so so bad
I just feel, so worthless. so unloved. and so..... selfish
i should have not ever left you bryant. I now realize how good you were for me. and how badly I fucked up. how i have ruined so many friendships. and how I am left with none.
i know i have friends, but I will never have MY friends. I will never have my very own best friend. I will never have that person to go to that is there for only me.
and I will never have anything of my own. until I have kids. but even then, the aunts are gonna be cooler then mom. thats how it will always be.
fuck.