done being mom

I don't know where to start. but i need to write. thats all I know. I need to cry. I need to cry really bad. I don't know who to go to, don't know what to say. all I know is, i'm tired of being the responsible one. i'm tired of being mom. I wish I was just a friend again. a sister. I wish I had my life back. I miss it.
I so badly wish that i could have friends of my own. I know its probably the most selfish thing in the world. but it's like the one thing I want. to have a group of friends that I can go to, that my family knows, but are not best friends with. I wish I had those peopel to go to. I did. but now, because of some people, I don't. they are no longer my friends. they are our friends. I no longer have just my life. It's our life. as if I gave birth to these kids, and I take them with me, wherever I go.
and as much as I hate to say it, i'm jealous. I am so so jealous. of her. everyone likes her more. everyone, all my friends, my mom, everyone. it's not fair. I feel like the background person, someone just being used. and it hurts. so so bad
I just feel, so worthless. so unloved. and so..... selfish
i should have not ever left you bryant. I now realize how good you were for me. and how badly I fucked up. how i have ruined so many friendships. and how I am left with none.
i know i have friends, but I will never have MY friends. I will never have my very own best friend. I will never have that person to go to that is there for only me.
and I will never have anything of my own. until I have kids. but even then, the aunts are gonna be cooler then mom. thats how it will always be.
fuck.