so i wanna cry

so im laying here in bed, just thinking, which i havn't done in awhile. thinking about everything. here i am, a clueless 18 year old, suddenly burdened with 2 other young souls to care for, and my parents roblems to deal with. what am i sposed to do?

and i find myself, wanting so very much to cry, because i am sad. i havnt done this in so long. and when i did, my friends were there for me. everytime my parents fought, someone was there for me. matt, usualy, was the one that called me last summer, after the huge fight they got into, i cried on the phone with him until 2 in the morning, and he was able to make me smile. in fact, he has been making me smile ever since, until now. i go to him, and he doesnt care. he wants to talk to kaity, she makes him hapy, and all he does is tell me how sad he is, for attention. he could care less about me, or what we ever had.

and honestly, i miss how it used to be. yeah my mom was so crazy, almost killed us so many times in the car, always pissed me off, and cared for no one but herself. but right now, it was so much easier to deal with then all this. i feel almost as if i have no feelings of my own. if i talk to her, i betray my family. if i dont, she feels sad that her first daughter left her.
she did treat me horribly, i know shes been amazing at some points in my life, but she left our family with a horrible feeling for another man, she made my choir experiance not so great, because she always called me yelling at me, or she was too tired to pick us up, or come watch our concerts. and i know she has reated me poorly for so long. but i want to forgive her for that. god is telling me its time. but she keeps making it so difficult. like if i talk to her again shell think i adore her so much. and never want to leave. like ive given in. and jsut all of this has been put on my plate to handle. the biggest lie she ever told before she left, cami, you don't have to deal with this because your 18.
yeah right!

i really dont know what to do or who to talk to
and i hate burdening people with my problems. thats why this is so great. no one needs to read it, and if someone actualy has read all the way through... wow! i guess you really care, or your really bored.
so i guess now im back to my life. being bored at home, by myself, pretending like nothing matters to me. like everything is ok. because i don't want to spend my life sad, like some peole, i want to focus on the fun times. but right now, i just i feel empty, and i feel bad for what i have done to her. i know what it would be like for your daughter to not speak to you for 4 months. its a hrrible feeling. but she stopped being a mother figure to me a long time ago, she needs to know shes not a kid anymore, maybe she let those years of her life go to waste, but she doesnt get them back again.
this really sucks....