depressed

i don't think i've ever been depressed before. it is the wierdest feeling i have ever had. i don't know why i feel this way, and i don't know what to do. no one has said anything to upset me, but only to try and make me feel beter. i just feel...
wierd

like theres something missing in my life. i don't know what is missing, i mean everything is pretty much the same as it has always been. i have my music and friends ans family, and we have fun like always, go and do stuff. but something is missing. can't even sing. i don't feel liek ieven want to sing. and thats my life. i just want to cry, but there are no tears there to let out. i can't take it.
i have no idea what is going on but i really don't like it.... i hate it, i really do....


ughghghghghgh

the break up..

so it was horrible. a huge fight, i was sick, he yelled, i just listened, it was bad. but now ive forgiven him, it wasnt gonna work, but we could still be friends, im always here for him no matter what. but he seems to stretch that. he calls my friends, telling them how hes sleepng with other girls, not that way, but to protect them. which i know that is a lie for sure. his parents would never allow them over, and no girl would go over there. not even if there drunk. pur like a kitten? shit lier i swear. trying to make me jealous? i know, its not working. so now, when your sad, you text me saying your crying. what the hell, so i aks why and you say never mind, some other chick made you feel better. stupid! i want to say i hate you so much, but i don't hate anyone. not at all. but you piss me off so much. i want to help you in everything so much. but i cant do that when half of what your telling me is a lie! just, just stop
you used to be amazing, you helped me through everything. you gave me hope. through this whole thing. and now, all you can do is thin about yourself. i dont need to you to are about me, not at all. but stop making up lies to get what you want. you need to figure out what your life is al about, and you need to fix yourself. i still love you, but you need to love yourself

did someone say stress?!

so basically all this week i have been trying to plan jaquies party. i know this is a very hard time for kaity and jaquie right now, so i want to try my best to make everything as special as i can for them. you don't get these years back, and i don't want them to have to tell there kids later that there teen years sucked cuz of what my mom did.
although it is getting to be rediculessly stresful! i mean really! i cleaned the whole freakin house by myself, just so everyone could mess it up again within the same day
so i have to do that all over again on friday
i have to track down the numbers to all of her friends, cuz when i asked her to do it, she didnt
i have to shop for food and make a cake and 2 dozen cupcakes
figure out whos going and whos not, and none of the are responding fast. wrap her presents, make some banner thing so she can wake up to it
which i did, and had an accident when i tried to dip the cats paw in ink haha oops
clip the cats claws

ugh!!! its all so stressful
and some idiot keeps calling and just breatheing on the phone
its probably my mom
but still
freak!!!!

mom??

so i havn't been on here in a few days.
my life has just been a roller coaster.
like i said, it was gonna be a hectic week, and yes it was!
wednesday i had to go to court and testify against my mom, in front of her. and man that was wierd. i thought ok answer a few questions andim done. no, it was an hour of her accusing me. oh lord. although her questions were stupid, my moms attorney i mean, and they were just ugh.. i made her look like an idiot. so then we finish and the whole audience is a freakin class of lawyers. i was like ok. so then they tell me im the talk of the class now, and they wanna see what heppens, and the teachers says im the best witness hes seen in forever!
thank god, haha cuz no one likes that lady, and worst of all, she called me a liar, no one calls me a liar! no one. what a bitch, she pissed me off right there.
soiget a years restraining order against her, cuz the judge completely agreed with me! and said i was 100% right. thank god!
then we get out and hear that jaquie may have broken a rib and shes at my friends house. so we rush over there, and in the parking lot my aunt has a completley flat tire, so then she meets us at the emergancy room, only to find out that kaity got out of rehearsla early and didn't have a key, so we rush to pick her up and decide to redo jaquies room.
my lord! what a week
but it was good to see choir again
and go to the homecoming game
then jaquies birthday and party next weekend! yay!!

i don't know what to feel right now, somewhat guilty, yet accomplished, its a wierd feeling!