I don't know anymore

sometimes I wonder what is to become of my life. Obviously nothing good so far. it doesn't seem to be going anywhere fast. everything I start, is finished, but not in the way i'd like it to be. this is how it always ends.
always. i'm left, hurt, and they don't care what they've done.
it just amazes me how one day, you are so obsessed with something, can't go a day without it. and the next, you can't spend a day with it, you need to get away fast.
i don't think i've fealt this before. it's a weird feeling. somewhat relief, but then sadness. bittersweet.
all i can say is, I need my friends to get this off of my mind. cuz right now, i'm sick, and it leaves me just laying in bed, thinking about it all day. not fun. ugh.

......

So, I never knew how much I hated crying until now. Like I really do not like it. and the worse part is that it's not just one thing to cry about. it's like 10 things at a time. or more. it's stress, pressure, missing someone, the fact that he's not here, losing people, argueing, being betrayed. so much. and no one knows. no one knows how I feel but me. and I hide it, I hide it so well, no one even knows i'm upset, until now. some people know i'm not doing well, but they think it's just a phase or something. it's not. I don't know what to do anymore. I find myself crying at least once a day. its horrible. and i'm jsut here. like, not happy. trying to still make everyone else happy. While some people try to purposly hurt me, others do it without knowing, and i am so terribly sensitive right now that anything can upset me. i don't like this. I miss the old me, when I was able to smile and laugh at anything and everything. I went on a random walk to no where. I did spontanious things, and I didn't have a care in the world, now I seem to be on everyone's bad side. even though all i'm trying to do is help. like really help, I hate when people are sad, so I try and make them happy, or at least let them know i'm here for them always. but instead i'm looked at as fake, a gossiper, mean, a bitch, I only care about myself, I don't know how to have fun, i'm a slut, a whore. a trader. and I don't listen.
so fine, thats fine, think that, cuz maybe that is me, I had no idea if thats how I really am. but I guess I am that way.
all I know is that the one person that understood me, like ever, is gone, and he's been gone for two years. i've tried to live without him, i tried to live how he would have wanted me to. with a smile always on my face. knowing when people are upset before they even told me, and listening to there every problem. having time with just them, that one person, to show them I do truly love them. but it's not working, and now, two years later, I can't do it. and I miss him. and I need him. I need him to ask me whats wrong, and before I even answer, he tells me its ok. and I believe him, and it always is ok. because he told me its ok. but now, it's not. nothing is ok. everything is bad. verybad.
I loved him so much, and there will never be anyone like him. no matter how hard I try to be like him, or find someone like him, I can't do it. so I guess i'll just have the memories, and keep him in my heart always. I will always love him, always. always and forever.
The last words he said ever, was don't let cami give up, ever, and I'm really trying not. really really trying.

bittersweet

so today was actually a good day. i got some well needed time with my family. I havn't seen them in a long time, and I really needed it. but then, I realized that because of my carelessness, I kinda left some people out of my life.
I guess lately I have just been so upset, so stressed, so busy. I forgot the people that truly matter. I messed up.
I heard some things that really upset me. Like really upset me. I tried to hide it. I was doing good for a little while. no one could tell, so I got upstairs, alone in my room, and I couldn''t hold it in anymore. I cried, i'm crying still. I didn't just cry. like, it was bad, horrible, I havn't cried liek that in a long time. I broke my ankle, lost my mom, went to court, got shots, thought i had cancer, so much, but all that could not add up to how much I cried tonight. I let it out. so I thought thats fine, but then she came in. she saw something was wrong, and asked, but before she could get it out, she ran to me and hugged me, she said it's ok, it's gonna be ok. she just layed there with me while I cried and hugged me.
She cared. it's what i've been wanting for so long. almost a year now. for her to care. and she finally showed it tonight.
I have been wanting her to do that simple act for so long. and tonight it happend. I am still upset and scared as hell, I can't sing, can't even listen to music. nothing. I kinda feel like the happiest part of life is gone. now I just have to sit around and help people till my time comes. sit here and wait to die.
I need to do something about this. I need to fix things. I need to move far away or something.I don't know, but i'm scared