weird weird day

yup its been a weird day alright. for reals
like my dad and i stayed up til almost one last night putting the foosball table together, but messed up. so this morning i wake up to find jaquie and him fixing it, kaity up at 8, making breakfast, and i come down, doing nothing. the last one up! man, so then kaity and my dad are shopping, just them, im not there, shes picking out dinner, and was ready in like 10 minutes. before my dad wasready.dude it is freaky! but i like it
im just kinda goin with the flow
so its fun, spontanious
unexpected
ha we all made up victory dances for foosball. yeah i think its a good endingto a bad week, although were wtill in the middle of all the fun! i cant see what happens next!

the holidays

so i'm super excited
so this will, for the most part,be a happy blog
even though this week has been major hell for me, my amazing friends got me through it. they always know what to say. so thanks guys! =]
anyways, tomorrows thanksgiving and our first holiday as a family of four. most people would be sad, but i think its better, cuz i don't feel like we're leaving anyone out, although i am wearing the shirt i bought my mom from puerto rico that she threw at my face. it said someone who loves me very much bought me this from puerto rico. so i can see the love there...
anyways, on to happieness.
so tomorrow, thanksgiving. i always love thanksgiving, cuz its a holiday we can celebrate without being greedy. there are no presents, just food, family and friends! andi always look forward to the thanksgiving day parade. cuz im a dork like that! haha so then we go to our aunts, which is gonna be super fun, like it always is! give our dad his other present, from the family. since we missed his surprise party cuz of the fire. anyways...
then theres friday. maybe put up the tree, get ready for
... CHRISTMAS!!!!! yes im super excited!its like my favorite season of all
especially on days like this when it poors rain. i just got out of the rain actually. i just stood in the poring rain for like 30 minutes. just thinking. it was so peaceful, letting the drops hit my face. not having a care in the world. you should all try it sometime. for reals!!
so its been good. i have learned that god indeed did put our family through a lot this year. but a very wise man told me, he did it because our family is strong enough to handle it. and he knew we could get through it. and it has brought us all so much closer together.
again, if anyone actually read this, thank you for being there for me, and getting me through it. you have no idea how much you helped me.

i lost my other half...

so we were best friends. she was the cheese to my macaroni. we were like paris and nicole. of course we had our moments, fighting like best friends do, but we were always able to get over it. we would fight about the stupidest things. it was normal. there was a year we didn't get along at all. but then we had some great friends to get us back together. then there was last year. we were always seen together, never apart. if we were, everyone would ask, "wheres your other half?" it was normal. we loved each other like crazy. we told each othet anything and everything. we trusted each other so much. with our lives, well i did at least. now, now... we are two completely different people. i thought maybe it was just college, it get the best of people sometimes, i still try and tlk to her, still try and help. but it doesn't seem to work. i listen to her every word, give my opinion, and thats that. but all i ever had was this blog space.
we grew so distant, i thought we we getting closer. but no, we're far apart. maybe t was just a phase... im foinding out now that its not. she's found other people to have our talks besides me, she spends her free time with other friends, i used to be one of those friends....
i tell her everything, and she doesn't care, i call, she doesn't answer, i talk to her, ask her a question, she says, mhm. thats it. i am no longer in her life.she no longer cares about me. she has pushed me out. because what i think doesn't matter. it doesn't matter at all. sometimes, i just want to go away, with the people that do care. i know who most of them are, and i now know, se is not one of them. i give her my all, i dedicate my life to her. i do everything for her. and get nothing back. not that i expected anything back, i do it out of love, its just the fact that she repaid me like this.
i had a bad bad dream about her last night, and it turns out, it came true.
we were once best friends, and now we are not. and i want that back. i want that back so bad. but as of right now, i don't feel that i can get that back. i lost my trust in her. she has left me, she talks about me, and doesn't think before doing. i love her so much, and wish her the best, but it is time she learns to make better decissions, and learns from her mistakes rather then having other people fix them.
she was my other half. its cheesy, but the half that made me whole. and now,
now i am only half once again. without her, i feel alone. and now, im starting to feel more alone then ever...

relationships

so i'm always being told that girls don't know what they want in a relationship, and thats why they never work. wellt, guess what. after many failed realtionships, i have finally figured out what i want.
you see, in my crazy life, i seem to have to take care of everyone, and in my past realationships, i have had to take care of them too. i had to reassure them of things, make sure things got done, plan when i can see them. there was no surprises, no "its oks" i was the "wearing the pants" as some people would say.
but now i've realized, thats just not gonna cut it. i don't like feeling like im way older then my boyfriend, like there some little kid thati have to help make feel better.
i want someone who is there for me, as i will be there for them as well, but when im crying, i want someone to run to, not just someone whos gonna say"im sorry" and think everthings ok.
i guess its complicated, but i just want someone whos a bit more grown up then all the rest. i've had to grow pretty damn fast, but now i want someone who can take care of meas well... thats it
not high standards here. jsut do the right thing. haha
some guys just don't know!
ok im done!!

betrayed? hurt? unwanted and untrusted?

she comes home upset, wants to talk to me, so we do. she argues with what i say, and thinks of herself only, like always. hates what i have to say, the truth, and goes to call someone who also only thinks of themself. she makes up rumors and spreads em, and gets pissed when you don't believe them, talks shit about people to make herself feel beter. guess what
life sucks sometimes. yeah it does.
and we all have to deal with it, so now i look like an ass, and feel very untrusted because she doesn't want anythingto dowith me. i feel like ive been given a job in life. to take care of them. and i failed at it, with one at least. yes
she makes me feel like ive failed.
ihate this, the distance we have. vocalhas done this to her. and im pissed.
life as i knew it is gone. and i am now alone in all of this.