done being mom

I don't know where to start. but i need to write. thats all I know. I need to cry. I need to cry really bad. I don't know who to go to, don't know what to say. all I know is, i'm tired of being the responsible one. i'm tired of being mom. I wish I was just a friend again. a sister. I wish I had my life back. I miss it.
I so badly wish that i could have friends of my own. I know its probably the most selfish thing in the world. but it's like the one thing I want. to have a group of friends that I can go to, that my family knows, but are not best friends with. I wish I had those peopel to go to. I did. but now, because of some people, I don't. they are no longer my friends. they are our friends. I no longer have just my life. It's our life. as if I gave birth to these kids, and I take them with me, wherever I go.
and as much as I hate to say it, i'm jealous. I am so so jealous. of her. everyone likes her more. everyone, all my friends, my mom, everyone. it's not fair. I feel like the background person, someone just being used. and it hurts. so so bad
I just feel, so worthless. so unloved. and so..... selfish
i should have not ever left you bryant. I now realize how good you were for me. and how badly I fucked up. how i have ruined so many friendships. and how I am left with none.
i know i have friends, but I will never have MY friends. I will never have my very own best friend. I will never have that person to go to that is there for only me.
and I will never have anything of my own. until I have kids. but even then, the aunts are gonna be cooler then mom. thats how it will always be.
fuck.

trust

There's not a lot of people that I trust 100%. In fact, I don't know that there are even more then 5. It used to be, that I trusted so many people, everyone. I trusted way too easily. then, the person everyone is supposed to trust the most, my own mother, left me. she hurt me. and I will never get over it. since then, I have trusted very few, but there have still been a handful.
over the last few years, I have come across so many new people, they have all become best friends. I told them everything. I trusted them completely. then, the first one tells me we can't be friends, sure enough, we're not talking. then, mosr and more of these new found friends, are gone.
so now, i'm down to the very few. it is getting to be the worst time for everyone, and i'm the one helping. and I turn to only a few people to tell everything to.
trust is a word that scares me. more like an act that scares me. i am finding out more and more tht so many people trust me. and they have a reason too. I never tell secrets, and its so hard. but I know how it is. i try to never let anyone down, or break promises. but it's so hard, to hold someone elses secret as your own. it's easy to let your own secrets slip. trust someone with them, but not with someone elses.
really i'm just rambling, and not feeling well, and have too many butterflies, not sure if they're good or bad. and i'm scared but I don't know what about. and.......
yeah, thank god for blogspot.

just thoughts

So, i've come to realize, I have had some major bad things happen lately. and every time, I thought I would never get through it, and of course, these problems still have not stopped. they keep going, no matter what, more and more happens. So I sit here at night and think, when is this ever going to end?! then, one night, someone makes me realize. thats just it. it will never end. it's never going to end. the only time anything will come to an end is when I die. that is the ultimate end to life, death. of course! it's right in front of me! this isn't just some book, where everything is solved in the end.
it's like, a sims game. God is the controller. we are the sims, he does as he wants. our lives are planned out, every second of them. only god knows what will happen next, only he can make the changes.
one problem occurs, we solve the mystery, the story behind it all, then, we think its done, and move to the next big thing. truth is, it's not done. it keeps going! it changes. he like her, she likes him, they like him, we all like her. he did this, they did that, we got caught with this. its all a bunch of little peices of information, that get spread around, it keeps us together because it gives us something to talk about. but its never over! thats the best thing. life really is what you make of it. you can be the change. we all can! its this amazing little thing i realized.
another thing. who says what rude is. who says what the right thing to do is? it's like, god created this big peice of land, then scattered a bunch of people on it, and let us go. we are the ones that created rules, decided what is right and wrong. we created judgements, opinions, gossip. truths, lies. we became a society. we fell in love with each other, hated others, were forced to like some, and got attached to our best friends. we fought, we yelled, we hurt, then make up.
and, god watches it all. he watches our every day lives. he knows whats going on at all times. he knows whos right and whos wrong, even when we don't. when we don't even know ourselves if we're doing the right thing. but then, we go and do it anyway. trusting that no matter what hapens, he will fix things.
truth is, he will. and always does. but to fix doesn't always mean to make better. just means the problem is solved. no more mystery. nomore fights, or anger. he is what keeps it going, so that there is no end, leaving anything possible, room for change, room for fights, arguements, apologies, laughs, good talks, bad. anything and everything. he lets us battle it out, then, goes in and fixes it.
really i'm just ranting about nothing.
but my point is, shit hapens, but who says it ends there?
the best movies are the ones with those crazy twists at the end, the reason they are the best? because they are unexpected. just like life,they relate to us. so we crave it. life is a never ending movie. sit downand watch yours, then make it how you want it.

sorry.......

So i'm really really sad. don't know what to do. who to talk to. where to go. i'm just a big confused mess. I feel like I fuck up everyones lives. all the time. I lose all my friends. all this time, Ithought I was the smart one, the one that had it all together. that was a lie. i'm not. maybe everyone around me is realizing they can do so much better. who really needs me? thats what they all are thinking. so slowly, one by one, they're drifting away. I feel terrible.
Just found out I broke someone heart too. majorly. kinda can't fix it. I didn't know I honestly had the power to do that. still don't know how i did it. but it happend. I will never stop feeling guilty. ever.
my mom. she's a whole other story. see, i've been debating, do i go over there? idk?? so I decide no. not worth it. then, friends made me feel guilty cuz it's her birthday. so I decide, maybe. then, a friends grandpa dies. her mom hasn't talked to him in a few months. so that made her feel terrible. I saw that you never know what happens. ever. so I should go. then, I had another really bad dream about her. she killed me. why did she kill me? because I saw that she was going to hurt kaity and jaquie really bad so I was going to stop it. everyone else around me fell for her tricks. she poisined them all. I didn't. I worked around her. so she killed me. slowly and painfully. I watched my own death. it was painful. scariest thing ever. so now i'm jsut confused. where are the people I usually talk to about this? gone. mad at me. hate me. in another state. i'm alone. and scared. and I want things to be normal again. I want me to be normal again.

i'm sorry......
to whoever I hurt. i'm sorry. theres no excuse for what i did. i'm a bad person. I hate myself for it. and I love you.