My heart lately

is torn apart, and only I seem to know why. no amount of words can explain what i'm feeling.
I know i'm being looked out for, I know they care, but also, I am 19, and I think I can make a few choices on my own. I've been without a mother for awhile now. I don't have a mom to talk to, I never did, and I was able to make my own choices then, so why is it different now?
I hate that there is only one person that is truly listening to me. I don't mean listening like hearing what I'm saying, I mean listening like actually understanding what i'm saying, seeing my point. just like i am seeing your point. and i am understanding it. and willing to compromise

I don't know that you realize that I cry every night. because I am going through what you are, but I am also going through a lot more. i really don't know what to say except for the fact that I am very angry. the blame has been put on me. I am being treated like a child with responsibilties of an adult. all my friends are turning on me when i need them most. my family wants to help but are really makeing it even harder to deal with.

I have been shoved in a corner, and I need to get out. I kind of feel like, like nothing is worth it anymore. I question my purpose here on earth. it's gotten so bad, thati cannot eat. I feel sick to my stomach, I don't have energy, and I am very quiet, everytime i think about it i want to throw up. buti need to stay strong. i can't even sing anymore.... and that's saying a lot.

I know where you all are coming from, I get it, you've gotten enough people to shove it down my throat. but maybe, is it possible to at least consider my thoughts too? thats all i'm asking. as your friend, your sister, your family. what ever i am. i need someone too......

It's a new day

It's a new day, which means anythign can happen.
A good friend told me that recently, and now, i'm actually gonna start listening and believeing it.
I had a dream about her last night, I guess she was on my mind a lot yesterday
Which explains why it wasn't the greatest of days. So i'm sorry to everyone that I was a complete bitch to, and i'm sorry to everyone that I complained to. It won't happen again, I promise.
In my dream, I wasn't nice to her like I have been. I didn't hold back, I told her how i fealt about everything she said or did. She got angry, very angry. So did my grandmother.
But of course, she didn't understand what she was doing wrong,and kept doing it, with the excuse of i'm tired, or people make mistakes.
Maybe it was a sign, that things will get better soon.
Today is a new day, anything can happen.
I'm gonna make it a good one.

yes, another one

I just don't understand how like one moment, i feel like i'm cloud nine, and the next, i really just want to cry. it's a horrible feeling. i would have rather woken up sad, and stayed that way, or gotten better. but no, i was feeling great, then the day became even better. then just one little look from kaity, and a lecture from jaquie, and i'm upset. i hate that they have the power to turn my mood so fast like that. no one else has the power to just make my smile go away. i guess it's just because they mean so much to me.
I mean really, this whole weekend i have made great for them, well, at least I tried. actually, thats all I ever do. try and make people happy. does it matter how i feel? no. i want everyone else to be happy, and it seems like no one else cares sometimes. I never get help around here, and when i ask for it, they just screw around, i have to do it myself, or redo it cuz they half assed it. sometimes i wonder what there life would be like if i wern't here.
i hate that i complain so much about it, and if anyone actually reads this, i hope you know that my life isn't just complaining and shit. its just i don't usually blog when i'm happy. i blog when i'm sad cuz its my therapy. i just feel like crying so much latly, but i can't, because that is weakness. i can't show anyone that i am unhappy. no one. i'm a happy person, always positive. so i guess i was wrong for wanting to have fun today. i was wrong for asking jaquie if she wanted to spend time with me. i was wrong to even care. i should have let her be, let her have her way. she never would have hurt me like that.....
so for that, i am sorry

tears....

for the first time in several months, i cried in front of someone today. i'm still shocked, because i never cry, well, not one anyone is around to see it that is. i don't mind crying in front of people. but i need to be strong in front of people, so that they think things are ok. but today, it just happend. i couldn't control it, no one else seemed to care. they all figured we were fine. our first mtoher's day without a mom. yeah, we are fine. bull shit! i still hurt, more then anyone. i hurt so bad. because everyone says i never knew her. i did, very well, we used to be friends. then she became a druggy, cheated just because, and made jokes like a 15 year old boy. gross. but today, i started to think about the times when i used to make her cards, weeks before mothers day. i'd misspell a word wrong, and it meant even more to her. i made coupons for breakfast in bed, and to clean and stuff. and those were the gifts that meant the most. even though she never used them
then, i thought about the times i tried to make really nice cards, later on. and i spent time to think of the erfect thing to say. i started buying her things, as i got older. then, it took me to that day that she picked up every gift i ever bought her, and she took it downstairs and said take it all back, i don't want it. i cried that day too. ran away actually. but she didn't notice. then, i think about the puerto rico shirt i bought her. "someone that loves me very much got me this shirt in puerto rico." i gave it to her the day we got back, she read it, "someone who really doesn't care, left me for puerto rico." i locked myself in my room. she left that shirt on my bed when she left. i wear it sometimes.
no one, no one at all, has any idea the pain i have right now. but that's ok. because no one needs to know. it doesn't matter. i don't matter. as long is my family is ok, i can be happy. things don't go my way. life is defiantley not what it's supposed to be for me right now, but i want them to be happy before i even begin to have things my way. so for now, fake smiles and tears at night, in the darkenss of my room will do.

mother's day

mother's day is coming. and i'm not sure that it's hard for anyone else. but i kind of feel guilty. mother's day is a day to celebrate all that a mom has done for you. how great they are for being kind and caring. and my mom hasn't. she has done nothing. not even a simple call or text on my birthday. so should i be the bigger person and text her at least? or show her how it feels. to be left.

last night, i was told why my mom doesn't care for me. i was told that i didn't help her and take care of her like kaity did. and that's why i was left in the dust. well, a mother, is supposed to be the one to take care of the child. and as many times as i took care of her, did the cleaning, did the cooking, cared for my sisters, i got nothing in return.

i hate having this happen to me, ahving no one, and then being told why the whole thing is my fault....

maybe life is coming to an end....

ever feel like maybe life is not worth living?
like really, what is the point anyway? we live, go through a bunch of crap and struggles, then we die somehow. so why do we even choose to live? i guess i just feel so much right now that no one cares, no one can look at the positive side of things, and the struggles i have in my life right now i shouldn't be having for at least 10 more years. i don't know who to go to, and i can't really talk to anyone about it. i'm forced into crap i don't want to do, then yelled at for trying to do soemthing right....
i honestly don't know what to do anymore.... ugh it frustrates me so much. i hate this. other people have it so easy. but really, i jsut want to start over. it's to the point where i am so afraid something is out to get me. i can't sleep at night, then i stop and think, does it matter? is it worth it to worry? when i'm gone, i'll just be gone, i'll have no more worries or struggles, so why do i care? it's not like i'm helping anyone, or changing any lives, i'm not doing anything worth acknowledging.i suck at life.... i don't even know anymore