tears....

for the first time in several months, i cried in front of someone today. i'm still shocked, because i never cry, well, not one anyone is around to see it that is. i don't mind crying in front of people. but i need to be strong in front of people, so that they think things are ok. but today, it just happend. i couldn't control it, no one else seemed to care. they all figured we were fine. our first mtoher's day without a mom. yeah, we are fine. bull shit! i still hurt, more then anyone. i hurt so bad. because everyone says i never knew her. i did, very well, we used to be friends. then she became a druggy, cheated just because, and made jokes like a 15 year old boy. gross. but today, i started to think about the times when i used to make her cards, weeks before mothers day. i'd misspell a word wrong, and it meant even more to her. i made coupons for breakfast in bed, and to clean and stuff. and those were the gifts that meant the most. even though she never used them
then, i thought about the times i tried to make really nice cards, later on. and i spent time to think of the erfect thing to say. i started buying her things, as i got older. then, it took me to that day that she picked up every gift i ever bought her, and she took it downstairs and said take it all back, i don't want it. i cried that day too. ran away actually. but she didn't notice. then, i think about the puerto rico shirt i bought her. "someone that loves me very much got me this shirt in puerto rico." i gave it to her the day we got back, she read it, "someone who really doesn't care, left me for puerto rico." i locked myself in my room. she left that shirt on my bed when she left. i wear it sometimes.
no one, no one at all, has any idea the pain i have right now. but that's ok. because no one needs to know. it doesn't matter. i don't matter. as long is my family is ok, i can be happy. things don't go my way. life is defiantley not what it's supposed to be for me right now, but i want them to be happy before i even begin to have things my way. so for now, fake smiles and tears at night, in the darkenss of my room will do.