christmas

so it was our first christmas as a family of four. mixed feelings really. my dad did all the shopping, and figureing out what we wanted. way less gifts under the tree. but for some reason, it felt so right. he was so worried that he didn't do well, that we didn't get what we wanted or that nothing would fit, or we didn't have enough. but we woke up that morning to find the perfect amount of gifts under the tree. we open them and got all that we wanted or needed. nothing more, nothing less. all the clothes fit and we loved it all.
so then we go to our aunts house, to have a great time with the family. we played wii, ate great food and saw the cousins. shared tons of laughs and talked all night. we also left gift on a few peoples doors, to thank them for being a blessing to our family.
the next morning i was planningon sleeping in, but that was ruined when our doorbell rang and i heard joy to the world being sung.
i go to open the dor to see the gordons singing handing us cookies. they came to thank us for the gifts and caroled for us. it was amazing. then we get a call from our family, saying they were coming over tomorrow (today)
so we cleaned and got food, ready for them to come. so they all came today, to our house. it was the first time in years weve had all of our family over. so we threw a party for no apperant reason. it was great, half of them havnt even been here before. and they brought there new puppy they were trying to sell. who had neverseen a cat, and our cat had never seen a dog. but at the end of the night, they ended up falling asleep together. we all had a great time, playing games and laughing.
so i realized, the greatest thing ever, to get you through god times and bad, is family and friends. they never let you down, and always create a great time to be had. i love all of you guys. thanks for making my holidays great!

what to do....

so i get this email from my grandma. shes askingme if i wanna go to visitation this weekend cuz theyre decorating a tree and stuff like that. and i do want to go actually. but only to have fun with my sisters and see my grandparents. but i do not want to see my mom. which is the whole point of visitation. i could just go and ignore her. but its her house and thats rude. she even left me that one message saying she doesn't care if i'm out of herlife. its just going to be so awkward. especially after court and stuff...
like really, i just took her kids away from her, said all this crap about her, in front of her, and now i'm going to her house? that doesn't make sense....
but my grandmas being such a butt and won't come to see me unless i see my mom. thats not fair. i didn't put myself in this. its not my fault my mom threatnad me, then said a bunch of lies, that basically changed my life. its not. its not fair. and what the hell am i supposed to do?!
and how is that gonna look. daughter hates mother, then goes to her house once court is over. yeah, if that doesn't look like a lie then i don't know what does. its just a bunch of crap. really. so now todays gonna be a weird day, cuz i don't know what the hell to do....
should i email her back? talk to her about it? i just don't know....
i hate this

weird weird day

yup its been a weird day alright. for reals
like my dad and i stayed up til almost one last night putting the foosball table together, but messed up. so this morning i wake up to find jaquie and him fixing it, kaity up at 8, making breakfast, and i come down, doing nothing. the last one up! man, so then kaity and my dad are shopping, just them, im not there, shes picking out dinner, and was ready in like 10 minutes. before my dad wasready.dude it is freaky! but i like it
im just kinda goin with the flow
so its fun, spontanious
unexpected
ha we all made up victory dances for foosball. yeah i think its a good endingto a bad week, although were wtill in the middle of all the fun! i cant see what happens next!

the holidays

so i'm super excited
so this will, for the most part,be a happy blog
even though this week has been major hell for me, my amazing friends got me through it. they always know what to say. so thanks guys! =]
anyways, tomorrows thanksgiving and our first holiday as a family of four. most people would be sad, but i think its better, cuz i don't feel like we're leaving anyone out, although i am wearing the shirt i bought my mom from puerto rico that she threw at my face. it said someone who loves me very much bought me this from puerto rico. so i can see the love there...
anyways, on to happieness.
so tomorrow, thanksgiving. i always love thanksgiving, cuz its a holiday we can celebrate without being greedy. there are no presents, just food, family and friends! andi always look forward to the thanksgiving day parade. cuz im a dork like that! haha so then we go to our aunts, which is gonna be super fun, like it always is! give our dad his other present, from the family. since we missed his surprise party cuz of the fire. anyways...
then theres friday. maybe put up the tree, get ready for
... CHRISTMAS!!!!! yes im super excited!its like my favorite season of all
especially on days like this when it poors rain. i just got out of the rain actually. i just stood in the poring rain for like 30 minutes. just thinking. it was so peaceful, letting the drops hit my face. not having a care in the world. you should all try it sometime. for reals!!
so its been good. i have learned that god indeed did put our family through a lot this year. but a very wise man told me, he did it because our family is strong enough to handle it. and he knew we could get through it. and it has brought us all so much closer together.
again, if anyone actually read this, thank you for being there for me, and getting me through it. you have no idea how much you helped me.

i lost my other half...

so we were best friends. she was the cheese to my macaroni. we were like paris and nicole. of course we had our moments, fighting like best friends do, but we were always able to get over it. we would fight about the stupidest things. it was normal. there was a year we didn't get along at all. but then we had some great friends to get us back together. then there was last year. we were always seen together, never apart. if we were, everyone would ask, "wheres your other half?" it was normal. we loved each other like crazy. we told each othet anything and everything. we trusted each other so much. with our lives, well i did at least. now, now... we are two completely different people. i thought maybe it was just college, it get the best of people sometimes, i still try and tlk to her, still try and help. but it doesn't seem to work. i listen to her every word, give my opinion, and thats that. but all i ever had was this blog space.
we grew so distant, i thought we we getting closer. but no, we're far apart. maybe t was just a phase... im foinding out now that its not. she's found other people to have our talks besides me, she spends her free time with other friends, i used to be one of those friends....
i tell her everything, and she doesn't care, i call, she doesn't answer, i talk to her, ask her a question, she says, mhm. thats it. i am no longer in her life.she no longer cares about me. she has pushed me out. because what i think doesn't matter. it doesn't matter at all. sometimes, i just want to go away, with the people that do care. i know who most of them are, and i now know, se is not one of them. i give her my all, i dedicate my life to her. i do everything for her. and get nothing back. not that i expected anything back, i do it out of love, its just the fact that she repaid me like this.
i had a bad bad dream about her last night, and it turns out, it came true.
we were once best friends, and now we are not. and i want that back. i want that back so bad. but as of right now, i don't feel that i can get that back. i lost my trust in her. she has left me, she talks about me, and doesn't think before doing. i love her so much, and wish her the best, but it is time she learns to make better decissions, and learns from her mistakes rather then having other people fix them.
she was my other half. its cheesy, but the half that made me whole. and now,
now i am only half once again. without her, i feel alone. and now, im starting to feel more alone then ever...

relationships

so i'm always being told that girls don't know what they want in a relationship, and thats why they never work. wellt, guess what. after many failed realtionships, i have finally figured out what i want.
you see, in my crazy life, i seem to have to take care of everyone, and in my past realationships, i have had to take care of them too. i had to reassure them of things, make sure things got done, plan when i can see them. there was no surprises, no "its oks" i was the "wearing the pants" as some people would say.
but now i've realized, thats just not gonna cut it. i don't like feeling like im way older then my boyfriend, like there some little kid thati have to help make feel better.
i want someone who is there for me, as i will be there for them as well, but when im crying, i want someone to run to, not just someone whos gonna say"im sorry" and think everthings ok.
i guess its complicated, but i just want someone whos a bit more grown up then all the rest. i've had to grow pretty damn fast, but now i want someone who can take care of meas well... thats it
not high standards here. jsut do the right thing. haha
some guys just don't know!
ok im done!!

betrayed? hurt? unwanted and untrusted?

she comes home upset, wants to talk to me, so we do. she argues with what i say, and thinks of herself only, like always. hates what i have to say, the truth, and goes to call someone who also only thinks of themself. she makes up rumors and spreads em, and gets pissed when you don't believe them, talks shit about people to make herself feel beter. guess what
life sucks sometimes. yeah it does.
and we all have to deal with it, so now i look like an ass, and feel very untrusted because she doesn't want anythingto dowith me. i feel like ive been given a job in life. to take care of them. and i failed at it, with one at least. yes
she makes me feel like ive failed.
ihate this, the distance we have. vocalhas done this to her. and im pissed.
life as i knew it is gone. and i am now alone in all of this.

depressed

i don't think i've ever been depressed before. it is the wierdest feeling i have ever had. i don't know why i feel this way, and i don't know what to do. no one has said anything to upset me, but only to try and make me feel beter. i just feel...
wierd

like theres something missing in my life. i don't know what is missing, i mean everything is pretty much the same as it has always been. i have my music and friends ans family, and we have fun like always, go and do stuff. but something is missing. can't even sing. i don't feel liek ieven want to sing. and thats my life. i just want to cry, but there are no tears there to let out. i can't take it.
i have no idea what is going on but i really don't like it.... i hate it, i really do....


ughghghghghgh

the break up..

so it was horrible. a huge fight, i was sick, he yelled, i just listened, it was bad. but now ive forgiven him, it wasnt gonna work, but we could still be friends, im always here for him no matter what. but he seems to stretch that. he calls my friends, telling them how hes sleepng with other girls, not that way, but to protect them. which i know that is a lie for sure. his parents would never allow them over, and no girl would go over there. not even if there drunk. pur like a kitten? shit lier i swear. trying to make me jealous? i know, its not working. so now, when your sad, you text me saying your crying. what the hell, so i aks why and you say never mind, some other chick made you feel better. stupid! i want to say i hate you so much, but i don't hate anyone. not at all. but you piss me off so much. i want to help you in everything so much. but i cant do that when half of what your telling me is a lie! just, just stop
you used to be amazing, you helped me through everything. you gave me hope. through this whole thing. and now, all you can do is thin about yourself. i dont need to you to are about me, not at all. but stop making up lies to get what you want. you need to figure out what your life is al about, and you need to fix yourself. i still love you, but you need to love yourself

did someone say stress?!

so basically all this week i have been trying to plan jaquies party. i know this is a very hard time for kaity and jaquie right now, so i want to try my best to make everything as special as i can for them. you don't get these years back, and i don't want them to have to tell there kids later that there teen years sucked cuz of what my mom did.
although it is getting to be rediculessly stresful! i mean really! i cleaned the whole freakin house by myself, just so everyone could mess it up again within the same day
so i have to do that all over again on friday
i have to track down the numbers to all of her friends, cuz when i asked her to do it, she didnt
i have to shop for food and make a cake and 2 dozen cupcakes
figure out whos going and whos not, and none of the are responding fast. wrap her presents, make some banner thing so she can wake up to it
which i did, and had an accident when i tried to dip the cats paw in ink haha oops
clip the cats claws

ugh!!! its all so stressful
and some idiot keeps calling and just breatheing on the phone
its probably my mom
but still
freak!!!!

mom??

so i havn't been on here in a few days.
my life has just been a roller coaster.
like i said, it was gonna be a hectic week, and yes it was!
wednesday i had to go to court and testify against my mom, in front of her. and man that was wierd. i thought ok answer a few questions andim done. no, it was an hour of her accusing me. oh lord. although her questions were stupid, my moms attorney i mean, and they were just ugh.. i made her look like an idiot. so then we finish and the whole audience is a freakin class of lawyers. i was like ok. so then they tell me im the talk of the class now, and they wanna see what heppens, and the teachers says im the best witness hes seen in forever!
thank god, haha cuz no one likes that lady, and worst of all, she called me a liar, no one calls me a liar! no one. what a bitch, she pissed me off right there.
soiget a years restraining order against her, cuz the judge completely agreed with me! and said i was 100% right. thank god!
then we get out and hear that jaquie may have broken a rib and shes at my friends house. so we rush over there, and in the parking lot my aunt has a completley flat tire, so then she meets us at the emergancy room, only to find out that kaity got out of rehearsla early and didn't have a key, so we rush to pick her up and decide to redo jaquies room.
my lord! what a week
but it was good to see choir again
and go to the homecoming game
then jaquies birthday and party next weekend! yay!!

i don't know what to feel right now, somewhat guilty, yet accomplished, its a wierd feeling!

good weekend, bad week

so good weekend, bad week. it is so very stressful. a fractured tailbone, and then today i had a math test, sometime this week i have a soc. test, and work, thursday is kaitys booster thing, and friday is the homecomeing game, have brittany sleepover again, and sat. is robably visitation and kaity has a vocal festival, then sunday were gonna try and go to glenn oak, oak glenn whatever its called.
and today my dad had to go to court, just to listen to my mom complain about me, so i get a call from my dad saying our attorney wants to talk to me. so i agree, and she asks me a ton of questiosn, and at the end says, i sound confident and can win this case for us, can i come in tomorrow?!
what?! oh my so i say yes, if its good for kaity and jaquie i'll do it. so tomorrow morning i have to go to court, and face my mother, fun right?
all this on a fractured tail bone. then i have to go see a docter, and make it back in time to take kaity and jaquie to some dr. lady and make dinner for when they get home,
and today i had to get my permt too!
i only missed one though haha
and thats not even getting into next week! yikes!! =0

so anyways yeah. im done venting
if my mom could just go e stupid somewhere else
i was watching this show called shain ang or something. for women who messed up there lives and have to go to jail, i was thinking my mom would look good in those outfits
haha how sad
so yeah ok
goodnight, think positive!

crazy weekend

so it was amazing, just like i thought. jasmines party was halarious and fun! pool, truth and stuff, jokes, reading minds, making fun of ... yeah. although i fractured my tailbone, oops. oh wel hurts like hell. me and jaquie stayed up all night and still went to the harvest festival.
got a call from my mom on sat. sayin she wants me out of her life and doesnt want to talk to me, and that shes changeing her number, which was a lie because she called today trying to apoligize. whatever!
but yeah
then harvest festival, so much fun, i was so very tired, but t was still fun!
48 hours of no sleep, i loved it! haha
then this week is hectic too!
my weekends are booked for awhile!
i love it!
im so excited!!!!!

this weekend

is going to be amazing!
even though kaitys feeling really sick, shes still going to jasmines partay! were going to have a great tiem haha. stay up all night! no really, im not planning on sleeing at all. then harvest festival with my homies after a weeks worth of shopping. still no sleep! and there wont be any lines, cuz its ayalas homecoming! yay!! good timeing huh? haha then britanys spending the night, so no sleep there either! haha face paintings too! so much fun.
oh an i found the card to my camera, so i can take a crap load of pictures!!!
i just hope kaity starts feeling better so shes not all gross at the party, or this weekend.

peace please

so i come home from an oh so lovely day of school, to see what work kaity has done. and when i see her poster blank i begin to worry. so i ask and see that she has done a lot of work, just not the poster, which takes only a few minutes. but my dad looks and jumps right to the fact that she did nothing, not knowing that she had other work to do. this problem could have normally been handled by talking. even talking in an angerly fashion, but just talking, which i would have done, but i guess we all had a bad, boring, hard day, and they took it out on each other.
they yelled. yes, our first fight since my mom moved out. about 5 months now. it wasn't a bad fight, but it was starting to get ugly, until we all ignored it. thank god. so kaitys doing her work, and my dad is down stairs watching tv. so its all good. but it could have gotten worse.
i just hate fighting, with anyone, im the type of person who tries to keep a smile on my face always. i try to stay positive about the worst of situations, and it probably gets annoying, that maybe i don't look at reality, buti do. i just try to stay calm. i just don't know anymore.

but on the bright side.... i am going to have an amazing non stop weekend! first off, im going to jasmines straight after there rehearsal tomorrow for a sleepover. so were gonna plan pranks and then go swim and stuff. so were staying u the whole night. no joke. then leaving at 12 in the afternoon. so then we come home at oneish, and shower and crap, thank god visitation is cancelled. so then pick up brittany and of to the harvest festival to meet our friendsss. so no sleep for 2 days!!!! i love it!
i love haveing such a busy schedule! it used to be my life. and now i have like nothing to do....

what do you do....

what do you do when your sister is so sad, and you know she is so painful inside, but she won't let it out to you. you know she wants to pore her heart and soul out crying, but won't. and you really don't know why.
kaity used to tell me everything, she used to trust in me so much, she knew i almost always had god judgement, and i would only ever help her.
i feel that we are almost growing distant now, i have become more of a mother then a sister nad friend. i don't mind that, but i really want to be her friend again, regardless of what school we go to.
it used to always be the both of us, we were always together, and now we are always apart, its her and jaquie. it makes me so sad, i have almost been thrown out of her life to take my moms position. i just want her to confide in me, but i don't think she really trusts me much anymore, she doesn't want to say the wrong thing or something that i wont agree with. i just hope shell be ok. i hope she tells me whats wrong, or finds a way to deal with it on her own. i never want anything to go bad with her.
we are al under a lot of stress right now, and i know its not getting easier, but it will soon!

i saw my friends today that i havn't seen in a very long time. it fealt so goodto see them! and i am going to see them again on saturday! its so very exciting!!aw man they always make everythingbetter, and we always have a great time together! and better yet, i finished my very long college report! so much stress has been taken off my shoulders!
so now i have to make lunch for my family, joy!

eh... blah

so today,
it was a wierd day for me.
don't really know how to describe it.
lazy, yet productive. i didn't feel rushed like usual, yet didn do much.
found myself watching tv, wich i normally dont do, and i didn't do the dishes or homework.
i was just kind of lazy. had a horrbile hair day, but i managed.
finally did my homework and went to class.
got wonderful texts from my friends, but then got in trouble for texting in class, oops.
i kinda feel wierd about that, like i dont know, it was wierd. but i know all of that math stuf, and they rest of them just dont get it! ugh! whatever

so then i get a text from stefanie saying shes comeing over. it was great! so we watched our future husband, mitchell davis. hes adorable, and so very random! i love him! haha

yup. and now im looking for a movie that has to do with deviance, so i can wrie a report on it. its due on sunday, but i wanna finish it on thursday, or by about 4 on friday. because i have such a very busy weekend. requiring no sleep. lord help me!

also.. i feel horrible. like i want to make people smile always. it my goal to make at leastone person smile a day. but what happens if i make someone sad? does it cancel out the smiles? in my mind it does, and i think i made someone a bit sad today, i mean he always makes me sad, but its not rigth to do that in return. i dont care how im treated, i want to treat others with respect and love and happieness. it feels good. and maybe theyll learn....

so now im tired. this helped very much! i love blogspot! hahaha

so i wanna cry

so im laying here in bed, just thinking, which i havn't done in awhile. thinking about everything. here i am, a clueless 18 year old, suddenly burdened with 2 other young souls to care for, and my parents roblems to deal with. what am i sposed to do?

and i find myself, wanting so very much to cry, because i am sad. i havnt done this in so long. and when i did, my friends were there for me. everytime my parents fought, someone was there for me. matt, usualy, was the one that called me last summer, after the huge fight they got into, i cried on the phone with him until 2 in the morning, and he was able to make me smile. in fact, he has been making me smile ever since, until now. i go to him, and he doesnt care. he wants to talk to kaity, she makes him hapy, and all he does is tell me how sad he is, for attention. he could care less about me, or what we ever had.

and honestly, i miss how it used to be. yeah my mom was so crazy, almost killed us so many times in the car, always pissed me off, and cared for no one but herself. but right now, it was so much easier to deal with then all this. i feel almost as if i have no feelings of my own. if i talk to her, i betray my family. if i dont, she feels sad that her first daughter left her.
she did treat me horribly, i know shes been amazing at some points in my life, but she left our family with a horrible feeling for another man, she made my choir experiance not so great, because she always called me yelling at me, or she was too tired to pick us up, or come watch our concerts. and i know she has reated me poorly for so long. but i want to forgive her for that. god is telling me its time. but she keeps making it so difficult. like if i talk to her again shell think i adore her so much. and never want to leave. like ive given in. and jsut all of this has been put on my plate to handle. the biggest lie she ever told before she left, cami, you don't have to deal with this because your 18.
yeah right!

i really dont know what to do or who to talk to
and i hate burdening people with my problems. thats why this is so great. no one needs to read it, and if someone actualy has read all the way through... wow! i guess you really care, or your really bored.
so i guess now im back to my life. being bored at home, by myself, pretending like nothing matters to me. like everything is ok. because i don't want to spend my life sad, like some peole, i want to focus on the fun times. but right now, i just i feel empty, and i feel bad for what i have done to her. i know what it would be like for your daughter to not speak to you for 4 months. its a hrrible feeling. but she stopped being a mother figure to me a long time ago, she needs to know shes not a kid anymore, maybe she let those years of her life go to waste, but she doesnt get them back again.
this really sucks....

so....

alright so ive decided to get this blogspot thing. im not really sure about it, but i find when im upset its best to write about it. others can read it and i dont mind, but if they dont want to, they dont hve to. so its liek your listening to my problems, but not realy.maybe its what i need in life right now. everyone else seems to be getting one. so im gonna try it....

anyways.... do boys honestly know what they do to girls?
realy... they have a great strong relationship with you, then you break up, and forget about it, leaving you in tears, then call you the next day liek nothing ever happend. really wtf?! do they care how you feel? do they care your upset? do they care about anything?! yeah maybe not. so my idea, guys are stupid, there are a few out there that know what to do and how to at, and how to make you feel good, but is it the truth? or is it all an act? i dont know
so yeah thats my blog for tonight... hmm i feel better already.