that girl

I want to be "that girl" the one that everyone wants. the one that everyone wants to love, be friends with, or just say hi to. i know thats what every girls dream is. to be popular. but really, thats not it at all. i want to be her for a different reason.
I want to be that girl that makes everything ok. that has this personailty that is so unique, you can't desribe it, but when you try, you just smile. i want to be that girl that makes everyone smile, just by walking in a room. that does crazy things all the time and it's ok.
I want to always know the right things to say, the right things to do, how to help every person that comes along with a problem. I don't need the solutions, but i do want to just ease them a bit, make them feel better then they did before.
thats what "that girl" is in my eyes. and thats who I want to be.
but ican't. i'm just...
Cami

Open your eyes

You have the power to rule my life.

and you don't even know it.


Look around. The answer is right in front of you.

bullshit

i'm tired of not being heard. i'm tired of no one listening. i'm tired of it all.
i hold so many secrets and feelings inside of me. that no one will ever know.
i'm scared of what will become of me because i have gotten to my lastpoint.
i want to make everyone happy. thats just what i do. and now people get mad at me for it.
so then when i think of myself every now and then, people get mad at me for that.
so i honestly do not know what to do now.
sometimes, i feel like the only person that truly cares is the lady that sits next to me in sign language. and the kid next to me in english.
because every dayin class, they ask me how i am, and about my life, and they say it will be ok. just like my grandpa used to. they give me hope.






I love you.

memories

So life was going pretty amazing for awhile. Ihad someone that I loved and could call my own. He was amazing. We had our flaws, but who doesn't. then, I went and fucked it all up. I decided that icouldn't handle all of this. I have too much going on. I don't know what I want. So I told him I need time. cuz really, that is what I need, and needed. I knew that if we were still together all the time things would be worse. I would just be another problem. Like I have been to most people.
you know, sometimes, I wonder why people even hang out with me. Why bother. I'm not happy, i'm not like I used to be. fun and outgoing. i'm the old mom who has to be responsible. Give her kids what they want and watch out for them. Not that I don't love Kaity and Jaquie. cuz I really do. they're are my life. Basically why i'm still here, to watch after them. But, I had to learn to become responsible at that age. I had to get good grades, go to all my rehersals, cook dinner, clean, and still watch after them. I had to grow up, and fast. But Kaity and jaquie have that all taken care of for them. which is great. But sometimes, I miss my freedom. So I go out, all the time. To take these last few chances that I have. And that's great don't get me wrong, but there are so many stresses at home that just build up and build up. I used to be able to hide it. put it aside, leave it at home for a bit. But now, it's like theres a thousand little chains, each one with a problem attached. and I can't do anything cuz they're all there. Sometimes I think if i had my on apartment. I had to pay my own bills, have the stresses at a job. I would be less stressed then I am now. But I guess that's what comes along with having kids right? So I should learn to deal with it. That's what i'm here for, for them.
The thought of them is usually just enough. Except that they basically don't want me around, hate when I try and help them, and i'm just left alone. that's fine, I don't need to be with them, but they invite me because they feel that they have to. They pitty me. it's not because i'm wanted. it's because they feel that its kinda like my payment. So I turned to Bryant. He wanted me there. all the time.
So then we get back to how I fucked that up. I was needed everywhere. I still am, family, cleaning, realitors, hospitol bills, distant friends, fights, school, work. I just couldn't handle it. And it ended up that I totally neglected him. My mind was so full of so many things, everything was crossing paths. and I could give him my full attention anymore. It got too hard to hang out. We lived so far, his school didn't work with mine, so many things came up. He understood, I know that. But it still hurt him very much. I know that. And I was accused of cheating from some people. So that didn't make anything better. But I felt terrible, and Started questioning myself. so I did all that I knew to. I talked to him about it. He freaked out and took it to the extremes. A month of no talking to him. It broke my heart. So I said we just need a break thats all. we'll be ok after this passes. And so he said some things. some things that really hurt. Because he knows they were sensitve subjects. He knows that what he said to do was not reality. Because If I could move on, I would have a long time ago. But its hard to move on from things when they are happening at that very moment. It's kind of like watching your dog die and not being upset. anyways, it really hurt. then some other shit happend. not even 10 minutes later. So I had no time to be upset. none at all. I was distracted, which was good. Until today, when I finally had some down time. And I realized what happend. What was said, what everyone said about the situation. And what a lot of people said the smart thing to do was. Part of me thinks they're right. part of me hates myself for thinking that.
So this was basically a pointless blog, just to get things off my chest. I'm really trying not to show my sadness again. I used to be so happy, and I believed that. but now I can't fake it. So i'm gonna start trying again. I really am.
and Bryant, if you're reading this. i'm sorry I hurt you so bad. I didn't mean too. you can delete that stuff I wrote on your profile if you want....

.......555555555

I fucked up.









end of story.

good luck

I havn't been on here in awhile, simply because I really havn't had anything worth blogging about. So then yesterday I thought wow, i'm having a really good day and i'm really happy, the today, I thought, i'm even happier, I should blog about this to remember it. I told myself i'd do it later. and here I am, blogging. But guess what, it's not for the same reason as I wanted to blog before. this morning, I was so happy, everything was going good, I was getting my work done, had my time to myself, I was on cloud nine. then, I realized my books wern't gonna be here in time, that I had this and that to do. I realized I am responsible for not only myself but my sisters as well. and that someone, is taking that away from me. and my computer sucks.
So the reason i'll be crying myself to sleep tonight? simple, I'm as hated as the dog shit on your shoe. No one wants me around, because i'm mom now. i'm the one that knows whats right and wrong. i'm the one that gives permission. i'm the one that makes peace out of things. and guess what, daughters always bitch and complain about there moms to there friends. and then there friends hate them as well, cuz nothing that you do is right. sucks that kaity and jaquie has the same friends as me.
basically, what i've wanted to scream out every second of the day, is fuck you! let me have my say back. my voice.i'm the sister, I have the legal ownership of the, so let my do my fuckin' job. you can't just come in here and assume you're always right. look whats happend, everything is fucked up, we're all torn apart, and it was never like this before. stop complaining about what the head of the household has to say. guess what? it's not your house!
now I know this is bad, and now whoever reads it is gonna hate me, but I can't take it anymore. when my best friend has decided to hate me, and go to you about it, I feel like I have no more reason to be on this earth. and to answer your question, when you said what is bothering you. you just read it. this, is why I cry myself to sleep every night. I have lost everyone. that ever meant anything to me. first my best friend. then my biggest role model, grandpa, then my mother, and now my best friend i've ever had, they're all gone. forever. I can't do anything about it but watch it happen. so you know what? sleep when ever the hell you want. don't ask me for advice, don't ask me to do your dirty work, lie for you, or fix the mess you've gotten yourself into. no more i'm I doing it. you're on your own. good luck

something to call my own

I need so much to have something thats all mine.
I used to have that. I used to have my own friends, my own interests, my own everything.
it all started when I was about 5. I joined gymnastics. I was doing really really well, and I loved it. but then, Kaity got old enough to join, so she did. it was no longer, cami is great at gymnastics, it just becamesomething that we both did. then we had to quit...
then, I had a huge love for music, I was always on the piano, I tought myself how to read the music for beginners. I tought myself two songs. it was great. and Itried to play guitar, I was no good, but I was 5, come on. and I sang, all the time. never stopped. I sang before I could talk.I sang about my food, about where we were going. everything. but, I wasn't good, ofcourse I wasn't. I loved the rythem, I didn't know what a note was. so, kaity made fun of me, my mom said I was horrible, and they said there was no point. so I had to stop.
I figured out harmonizing, I loved it, but then, Kaity's voice turned out to be more harmony and mine the melody.
I started acting in church, all the time. for the little kids, for the whole church, anything. I did well, but Jaquie found an interest in acting as well. and Kaity joined.
I started dancing in church, for plays, in school, anything. Kaity found dancing nice too, she did better then me....
I took a sewing class. I made pillows and shorts and knew how to use a sewing machine. Katy decided she wanted to do fashion, or costumes, suddenly, people asked her to sew costumes in plays, not me.
I used to have my own friends, I loved it, and they got along with my sisters, which was great, but I could hang out with just them too...
now, if my sisters don't go, its a question as to where are they. and I have to get home in time to feed them.
I had my own room, a place I could go at night, or any time, and cry my eyes out when my mom hurt me. or when we got in a fight, or just to listen to my music or sing. or do what was truly me.
I share a room now. it's never clean.

so this whole blog sounds really dumb, I know. but, i'm crying while writing the whole thing. i'm here because I have no one to talk to anymore. no one for just me. no one to just listen. to everything I have to say. no one that gets me. no one that can say, take a break, I got it from here. I can't do this on my own at 19. but I have no choice. my teen years have been takin away from me, and I have no place to go anymore to just get taken away.
last year, choir was what I truly had. when ever she hit me,whenever she yelled at me. when she made me wish I was dead. I went to choir. I sang, I harmonized, I learned new songs. I was able to drown myself in music. the girls there helped me through everything. I was doing ok. I had the time of my life learning hide and seek, being men.
then, this whole thing happend. every little thing that the song hide and seek mentioned. it happend, to me, in real life. I sit here to this day, in the same room, that those very words describe.
we listen to that song, almost every day. they listen to it all the time. it's beautiful.
but, in the words of daniel, it now makes me want to slit my wrists and do 1,000 push ups in salt water. it has so many painful memories.
every song we sang last year gives me visions of what used to be. how I was treated. the true reasons where my bruises and tears came from.
I want to cry, scream, run away, yell, anything. but I can't. I need to stay strong. no one needs this. everyone needs to see that its ok. and you see that by having someone strong in your life. someone who says, it didn't effect me, so it must be fine.
i'mtrying to give them that...
but where's my strong person?
where's my "it will be ok"?
what am I supposed to do?

now this is getting pointless, and I don't know what i'm saying anymore, I can never put how I feel in words. it's not possible, all I know is that I really hurt. i'm pushing my limit. and everyone needs to back off.
I need....
I need something different

i'm worthless

So things have been really really good lately. I havn't seemed to have many cares at all. like really. even yesterday when a ton of shit happend with my mom, it only upset me for a little bit, and then I was fine, but I still find myself feeling sad in the back of my mind.
I now know why I have this feeling of sadness. and I really don't like this reason, but it is because of one person I am so sad. and I know that that will never, ever change, it's impossible for her. asking her to change would be like asking her to cange for me. and that isn't right. at all
it's not a bg really. I mean, I guess I don't mind it. i'm used to it.
I have always been the one that goes out of my way to make her happy, to make everyone happy. to never spend money onmyself. or ever ask for anything from her. all my money, from graduation, birthdays, christmas, everything, it went to them. and I still feel terrible because my graduation took over both of theres. they both finished school while I finished a bigger level of school, and so they wern't in the big picture, they were just in the background. and I always feel terrible about that.
Now, we had a very tragic thing happen to us, and I feel like its my fault. it's because of me that we are going through all this, and if I wern't here, this never would have happend. maybe it would have happend but it wouldn't have been bad.
I am not important at all. I can't change there lives, as hard as I try, and I now know, that by trying my hardest to do every fucking thing possible, I am getting in the way and making them unhappy.
so I guess I should just not help them? not do things for them?
there's the real reason why i'm sad, because of myself. I am upset with myself because no matter how hard I try, I will never be good enough, ever...
and it upsets me. a lot. and I really don't know what to do....
i'll just continue to try and make them happy. and not upset them. i'll give them everything that I ever wanted, but no one did it for me. so Iwill give it to them.....

I don't know anymore

sometimes I wonder what is to become of my life. Obviously nothing good so far. it doesn't seem to be going anywhere fast. everything I start, is finished, but not in the way i'd like it to be. this is how it always ends.
always. i'm left, hurt, and they don't care what they've done.
it just amazes me how one day, you are so obsessed with something, can't go a day without it. and the next, you can't spend a day with it, you need to get away fast.
i don't think i've fealt this before. it's a weird feeling. somewhat relief, but then sadness. bittersweet.
all i can say is, I need my friends to get this off of my mind. cuz right now, i'm sick, and it leaves me just laying in bed, thinking about it all day. not fun. ugh.

......

So, I never knew how much I hated crying until now. Like I really do not like it. and the worse part is that it's not just one thing to cry about. it's like 10 things at a time. or more. it's stress, pressure, missing someone, the fact that he's not here, losing people, argueing, being betrayed. so much. and no one knows. no one knows how I feel but me. and I hide it, I hide it so well, no one even knows i'm upset, until now. some people know i'm not doing well, but they think it's just a phase or something. it's not. I don't know what to do anymore. I find myself crying at least once a day. its horrible. and i'm jsut here. like, not happy. trying to still make everyone else happy. While some people try to purposly hurt me, others do it without knowing, and i am so terribly sensitive right now that anything can upset me. i don't like this. I miss the old me, when I was able to smile and laugh at anything and everything. I went on a random walk to no where. I did spontanious things, and I didn't have a care in the world, now I seem to be on everyone's bad side. even though all i'm trying to do is help. like really help, I hate when people are sad, so I try and make them happy, or at least let them know i'm here for them always. but instead i'm looked at as fake, a gossiper, mean, a bitch, I only care about myself, I don't know how to have fun, i'm a slut, a whore. a trader. and I don't listen.
so fine, thats fine, think that, cuz maybe that is me, I had no idea if thats how I really am. but I guess I am that way.
all I know is that the one person that understood me, like ever, is gone, and he's been gone for two years. i've tried to live without him, i tried to live how he would have wanted me to. with a smile always on my face. knowing when people are upset before they even told me, and listening to there every problem. having time with just them, that one person, to show them I do truly love them. but it's not working, and now, two years later, I can't do it. and I miss him. and I need him. I need him to ask me whats wrong, and before I even answer, he tells me its ok. and I believe him, and it always is ok. because he told me its ok. but now, it's not. nothing is ok. everything is bad. verybad.
I loved him so much, and there will never be anyone like him. no matter how hard I try to be like him, or find someone like him, I can't do it. so I guess i'll just have the memories, and keep him in my heart always. I will always love him, always. always and forever.
The last words he said ever, was don't let cami give up, ever, and I'm really trying not. really really trying.

bittersweet

so today was actually a good day. i got some well needed time with my family. I havn't seen them in a long time, and I really needed it. but then, I realized that because of my carelessness, I kinda left some people out of my life.
I guess lately I have just been so upset, so stressed, so busy. I forgot the people that truly matter. I messed up.
I heard some things that really upset me. Like really upset me. I tried to hide it. I was doing good for a little while. no one could tell, so I got upstairs, alone in my room, and I couldn''t hold it in anymore. I cried, i'm crying still. I didn't just cry. like, it was bad, horrible, I havn't cried liek that in a long time. I broke my ankle, lost my mom, went to court, got shots, thought i had cancer, so much, but all that could not add up to how much I cried tonight. I let it out. so I thought thats fine, but then she came in. she saw something was wrong, and asked, but before she could get it out, she ran to me and hugged me, she said it's ok, it's gonna be ok. she just layed there with me while I cried and hugged me.
She cared. it's what i've been wanting for so long. almost a year now. for her to care. and she finally showed it tonight.
I have been wanting her to do that simple act for so long. and tonight it happend. I am still upset and scared as hell, I can't sing, can't even listen to music. nothing. I kinda feel like the happiest part of life is gone. now I just have to sit around and help people till my time comes. sit here and wait to die.
I need to do something about this. I need to fix things. I need to move far away or something.I don't know, but i'm scared

My heart lately

is torn apart, and only I seem to know why. no amount of words can explain what i'm feeling.
I know i'm being looked out for, I know they care, but also, I am 19, and I think I can make a few choices on my own. I've been without a mother for awhile now. I don't have a mom to talk to, I never did, and I was able to make my own choices then, so why is it different now?
I hate that there is only one person that is truly listening to me. I don't mean listening like hearing what I'm saying, I mean listening like actually understanding what i'm saying, seeing my point. just like i am seeing your point. and i am understanding it. and willing to compromise

I don't know that you realize that I cry every night. because I am going through what you are, but I am also going through a lot more. i really don't know what to say except for the fact that I am very angry. the blame has been put on me. I am being treated like a child with responsibilties of an adult. all my friends are turning on me when i need them most. my family wants to help but are really makeing it even harder to deal with.

I have been shoved in a corner, and I need to get out. I kind of feel like, like nothing is worth it anymore. I question my purpose here on earth. it's gotten so bad, thati cannot eat. I feel sick to my stomach, I don't have energy, and I am very quiet, everytime i think about it i want to throw up. buti need to stay strong. i can't even sing anymore.... and that's saying a lot.

I know where you all are coming from, I get it, you've gotten enough people to shove it down my throat. but maybe, is it possible to at least consider my thoughts too? thats all i'm asking. as your friend, your sister, your family. what ever i am. i need someone too......

It's a new day

It's a new day, which means anythign can happen.
A good friend told me that recently, and now, i'm actually gonna start listening and believeing it.
I had a dream about her last night, I guess she was on my mind a lot yesterday
Which explains why it wasn't the greatest of days. So i'm sorry to everyone that I was a complete bitch to, and i'm sorry to everyone that I complained to. It won't happen again, I promise.
In my dream, I wasn't nice to her like I have been. I didn't hold back, I told her how i fealt about everything she said or did. She got angry, very angry. So did my grandmother.
But of course, she didn't understand what she was doing wrong,and kept doing it, with the excuse of i'm tired, or people make mistakes.
Maybe it was a sign, that things will get better soon.
Today is a new day, anything can happen.
I'm gonna make it a good one.

yes, another one

I just don't understand how like one moment, i feel like i'm cloud nine, and the next, i really just want to cry. it's a horrible feeling. i would have rather woken up sad, and stayed that way, or gotten better. but no, i was feeling great, then the day became even better. then just one little look from kaity, and a lecture from jaquie, and i'm upset. i hate that they have the power to turn my mood so fast like that. no one else has the power to just make my smile go away. i guess it's just because they mean so much to me.
I mean really, this whole weekend i have made great for them, well, at least I tried. actually, thats all I ever do. try and make people happy. does it matter how i feel? no. i want everyone else to be happy, and it seems like no one else cares sometimes. I never get help around here, and when i ask for it, they just screw around, i have to do it myself, or redo it cuz they half assed it. sometimes i wonder what there life would be like if i wern't here.
i hate that i complain so much about it, and if anyone actually reads this, i hope you know that my life isn't just complaining and shit. its just i don't usually blog when i'm happy. i blog when i'm sad cuz its my therapy. i just feel like crying so much latly, but i can't, because that is weakness. i can't show anyone that i am unhappy. no one. i'm a happy person, always positive. so i guess i was wrong for wanting to have fun today. i was wrong for asking jaquie if she wanted to spend time with me. i was wrong to even care. i should have let her be, let her have her way. she never would have hurt me like that.....
so for that, i am sorry

tears....

for the first time in several months, i cried in front of someone today. i'm still shocked, because i never cry, well, not one anyone is around to see it that is. i don't mind crying in front of people. but i need to be strong in front of people, so that they think things are ok. but today, it just happend. i couldn't control it, no one else seemed to care. they all figured we were fine. our first mtoher's day without a mom. yeah, we are fine. bull shit! i still hurt, more then anyone. i hurt so bad. because everyone says i never knew her. i did, very well, we used to be friends. then she became a druggy, cheated just because, and made jokes like a 15 year old boy. gross. but today, i started to think about the times when i used to make her cards, weeks before mothers day. i'd misspell a word wrong, and it meant even more to her. i made coupons for breakfast in bed, and to clean and stuff. and those were the gifts that meant the most. even though she never used them
then, i thought about the times i tried to make really nice cards, later on. and i spent time to think of the erfect thing to say. i started buying her things, as i got older. then, it took me to that day that she picked up every gift i ever bought her, and she took it downstairs and said take it all back, i don't want it. i cried that day too. ran away actually. but she didn't notice. then, i think about the puerto rico shirt i bought her. "someone that loves me very much got me this shirt in puerto rico." i gave it to her the day we got back, she read it, "someone who really doesn't care, left me for puerto rico." i locked myself in my room. she left that shirt on my bed when she left. i wear it sometimes.
no one, no one at all, has any idea the pain i have right now. but that's ok. because no one needs to know. it doesn't matter. i don't matter. as long is my family is ok, i can be happy. things don't go my way. life is defiantley not what it's supposed to be for me right now, but i want them to be happy before i even begin to have things my way. so for now, fake smiles and tears at night, in the darkenss of my room will do.

mother's day

mother's day is coming. and i'm not sure that it's hard for anyone else. but i kind of feel guilty. mother's day is a day to celebrate all that a mom has done for you. how great they are for being kind and caring. and my mom hasn't. she has done nothing. not even a simple call or text on my birthday. so should i be the bigger person and text her at least? or show her how it feels. to be left.

last night, i was told why my mom doesn't care for me. i was told that i didn't help her and take care of her like kaity did. and that's why i was left in the dust. well, a mother, is supposed to be the one to take care of the child. and as many times as i took care of her, did the cleaning, did the cooking, cared for my sisters, i got nothing in return.

i hate having this happen to me, ahving no one, and then being told why the whole thing is my fault....

maybe life is coming to an end....

ever feel like maybe life is not worth living?
like really, what is the point anyway? we live, go through a bunch of crap and struggles, then we die somehow. so why do we even choose to live? i guess i just feel so much right now that no one cares, no one can look at the positive side of things, and the struggles i have in my life right now i shouldn't be having for at least 10 more years. i don't know who to go to, and i can't really talk to anyone about it. i'm forced into crap i don't want to do, then yelled at for trying to do soemthing right....
i honestly don't know what to do anymore.... ugh it frustrates me so much. i hate this. other people have it so easy. but really, i jsut want to start over. it's to the point where i am so afraid something is out to get me. i can't sleep at night, then i stop and think, does it matter? is it worth it to worry? when i'm gone, i'll just be gone, i'll have no more worries or struggles, so why do i care? it's not like i'm helping anyone, or changing any lives, i'm not doing anything worth acknowledging.i suck at life.... i don't even know anymore

stresseddddddddd

God, seriously. like ugh i don't even know what to say. for reals. like we have to pay so much, everything is breaking, we have like no money. i have a test tomorrow. and this is all stuff that i, at barely 19, should not be worrying about. but no, my dad feels that he has to share all ofthis with me. to stress me out even more, make mydayhorrible, and feel bad for the things that i need. like i seriously want to cry. but i can't, i have to stay strong. because thats just how i am. crying is weak. but ughhhhhh
i can't do this anymore. it upsets me so much. god i really need to get out this weekend. disneyland better make this better....
pray for us. my family

amazing

so basically life is amazing right now. a great weekend. concert last night, saw brandon and choir people again. then becky and brittany came over and stayed the night, good times. oh and the electricity went out, so we had to eat in the dark with candles. very romantic if you ask me. haha so then we had a little fun. wich you don't need to know about, cuz we'll get in a lot of trouble if you knew. oh god. anywayssss, so now watching comedy central wth kaity, and the beach tomorrow. and i get to see lue!! yay!! haha then i turn 19 on saturday. disneyland!!!
and visitation... that's well yeah. but so far, it's been pretty good! don't know whathappend, but it's like my life is starting to turn around!
anywaysss, text me, cuz i love you!

it's amazing

i've never realized how one person can do something so simple, and have it change the way you think of them, how you feel. you constantly watch there actions, losten more carefully to what they say. think harder about what they do.
and it's amazing how someone else can do something so simple to make you forget about all those bad thoughts that were minutes ago, flooding your head with negativity.
yes, it's the same person i often finding myself talking about in these blogs. i've thought about writing in a notebook. it's probably better then here. i mean, more personal for sure. my own hand writing and all. far more personal then something online.but then i thought of all the times that i have read my sister's jornals. not on purpose really. but they were just laying there, and everyone gets curious. so before i know it, there i am. crying, hurt from what i've read. knowing that every page is filled with words of how unperfect i am, how i've messed up her life, again. all these lies i've lived by, thinking we were the best of friends. knowing that what she said was true, soon to find, it wasn't.
now it's not that i don't trust them, i do. i mean they may read it or not. i don't know. but i would want to spare them the thoughts that could hurt them in the same way her words hurt me. so i write here. for everyone to see. i know not many read this, probably none. but i am still thinking while i write that is is possible. these thoughts are now put down for the world to see. think and judge me how they'd like. we are all entitled to our opinions. and this is how i express mine.

RESPONSIBLE. this word has so many meanings, uses, descriptions. you can use it to describe some people, and not others. to me, it is a life. you can see it in a person, or the lack of it. to some people, it means to take care of yourself. pick up after yourself, do the work you need to, plan out your life to best suit your needs. keep you healthy. look after one person.to others, it is to take care of many people, look after the ones you care about, make sure they are living and healthy.
but to me, it is different. you see i have taken it to the next level. it means to make everyone happy. now you think thats dumb, thats not being responsible at all, it's just pleasing people. yes, this is true. it's just a small description though.
in order to be happy, you have to make yourself happy. which i cannot help. but you also have to be healthy, have things given to you, be put first, hear wonderful things.
i have done this for my family, but especially for one person. i give her what she needs, find her things, when she messes up, i am right there to fix it. i put myself last always. after everyone, it's a way of life. but now, it is time to stop.
i have also discovered that if you grow up having things handed to you, suddenly, you don't know what to do when things are not easy any more. and that is not a way to be happyor healthy.
so i am going to stop making the lunches, cleaning her mess, picking up her problems. it's time she realizes what i do. what she would live without if i never stepped up to that position. if she had to take care of herself. this is going to be hard. really hard, as i already found myself helping her today. within the hour i decided this.
but the truth is, she makes me cry. she makes me think, is it worth it? is life worth being put down all the time just to cater to someone else, and get nothing in return? i don't know. i never will.
now this suddenly seems to have no point, and it doesn't have to, as long as i get my words out.
and here they are, brace yourself

she pisses me off. like really, i can't stand it, i can't do it anymore. i hate being last, i hate givingup every litle thing just so i can be happy. i hate listening to her problems just to be shot down and suddenly be the bitch in the story. i hate her talking about me, when she says she's not. i hate not having her to talk to because she doesn't have the time of day for me, becasue her problems are so big. hate hate hate

but wait, i didn't say i hate her. and i hope i never will. most people will take all that the wrong way, and if they don't read this, that's how they will live. only seeing the negative, and stopping to pass up the positive. yes, it's true, we all do it. but the truth is, i don't mind listening to her problems, i don't mind helping her, taking care of her. not at all. the real problem here is that she doesn't have her life straight, she's following the path of my mom. and i don't like that. she doesn't either,if she knew she were doing it.
the thing that i hate the most...
i can't help her.
i can't come to the rescue this time, give my words of wisdom. and i'm scared. i'm scared she won't know what to do. she'll hurt somone, more then she hurt me. i guess i just have to wait. wait and hope that she will come to her senses, and remember what is important....

don't you think...

i get it. don't you?!
my whole life, my mother hasn't been a mother. no, i have been a mother to myself. i have had people dislike me, hate me even. everyone has. the one thing i learned in mr. sims class was that you cannot please everyone. not everyone will like you.
the important thing is that you are your own person. yeah its hard, its gonna upset you. i get it. i cry myself to sleep sometimes, and no one knows it. because i feel useless, hated,worthless, dumb, ugly,unwanted. by my own mother. don't you think it hurts me too?
yeah, it does. i know you think i can't relate, truth is, i can. but i don't go around telling myself that the world hates me, because of one person. its hard. but you have to do it.
i try and help, talk to you, but i get it shoved down my throat every time. for "trying" to understand. yelled at. upset, hurt. whatever, this isn't gonna do any good, i'll let you figure it out yourself, since thats what it seems you want. sorry i tried.

life right now....

I miss life how it used to be. when things were normal. I miss being busy, having to do eveything at once, but with help. i miss having people to talk to, happy or sad. i miss being in my sisters lives, knowing what was going on with them. but now...
now i'm alone. i sit here, while they have fun. cleaning the house by myself, figuring out dinner, trying to cook it on time. wishing they were here to have fun with. only for them to come home happy and having fun, then complain that dinner isn't ready yet, and they're starving. for my dad to say i don't appreiate anything, its never clean in here. i don't do a thing. for dinner to not be good enough. for me to not be good enough. I'm stupid because i can't take them home from school, or give them a ride. i'm dumb because i don't have a job.
but i'm always happy. always. i'm smiling, even when my ideas are shot down. its ok. i deal with there high school problems, but still, i don't know anything. i still smile. i spend all my money on them, what they want. the food they want, both our parents gifts. but thats ok, its what i'm here for right? yeah
i don't get help cooking or cleaning. i'm by myself until its time for fun.
today we went shopping, which was fun. good time. but it still was about them. everything, was about them. until someone stepped in and said, give cami a chance...
i don't want to complain, i hate complaining.
i'm just tired of being that smile, when times are bad, and no one can see howi truly feel. but why should they. why should we all be sad. someone needs to smile, right?i just don't think i can do it alone much longer....
i need help.....

before i die

so i always say i want to do something. and its true. i do. i just never get to doing it. so i decided to make a list of things i want to do before i die. who knows what i'll come up with.

1. go sky diving
2. bungee jumping
3. swim with dolphins
4. jump in a pile of leaves
5. make a differance in someones life
6. travel the world
7. learn a new language

well thats it for now...

my weekend...

so my weekend is a mix of emotions. i went to my grandmas house yesterday, to see it empty, for the first time since grandpa, my role model,passed away. it was sad, yet happy because i could remember him, as he was. so then i met my dads friend wendy and her parents. it was so weird how much our family was alike. her oldest son, was my same age, born in the same month, and freakin great at music. odd, i know! her dad was born the same day as my grandpa, just so weird. oh and i had sushi for the first time. it was well, i'm not gonna have it again if you catch my drift.
so i get home and allie texts me to go ice skating with her, moose, and there sisters. so of course we went! didn't skate, but watched people fall. then talked about the most random things. such a great time. me and kaity tok random pictures. great day.
so then we get to today. my moms house... i decided to go again. not happy about it, but i like being there with kaity and jaquie. i'm able to just kinda push my mom aside, while still being nice of course. but yeah, thats my weekend. maybe a movie night tonight!! =]

New Year Resolutions....

So I'm not usually one to make a new years resolution. but this year i decided i will. i may not stick to what i say, and that's really no big deal to me. I'm just going to try my best. I'm not sure what they will be yet, so this is what blog spot is for right! a diary online that everyone can read, people that i don't even know. ha, anyway. so here it goes.

1. trustworthy
i want people to trust me more. i want them to tell me something, and i can keep it to myself. i don't want to ruin surprises, i want to be trusted with hearts and souls. i have always tried my best to keep secrets, but not well enough i suppose. so more trustworthy.

2. spread the love
i want to make everyone i meet or see smile. strangers, i want to bring a smile to there face. friends, i never want them sad. family, I'll always be by there side. just all around, i want people to know that at least one person loves them on this earth, and that person is me.

3. gossip and rumors
i do not want to be the spreader of gossip or rumors. gossip is just entertainment that keeps people social. it is something to talk about instead of talking about yourself. rumors are hurtful to everyone and always come back to you. if i hear a rumor now, i WILL go straight to the person its about and ask them for the truth. no third party assumptions or information. just the truth.

4. i will not belittle others
i will not put down others, to there face, or to anyone else just to make myself feel better. people are worth who they are, not what they do, or what they look like. there personality is key. its important to remember that we all have flaws. most different then others. we have to deal with other peoples flaws, just as much as they have to deal with ours. no one is better then anyone else at all. i know this kind of goes with gossip, but it is important to me that i don't make anyone feel like shit. just because of one little thing.

5. forgive and forget
i have always said to forgive and forget. but that's not right. forgive yes, i will always forgive. we all make mistakes. we all need second chances, sometimes third and fourth. but forget is not always right. we have to be realistic. if someone has hurt us, we will never forget it, ever. but forgive, needs to be done. we all learn from our mistakes. so i may take a little while, the trust factor may go down a bit. but i will forgive, and realize, and hope, that you have learned, and can fix it for next time. and also remember that i am not perfect either, and hope the same is done for me.

6. spontaneous and outgoing
i want to do what is on my mind. bungee jumping, sky diving, things i have always wanted to do, but never have, because i have to plan it out. i want to be daring, do things out of random, surprise people in the wildest ways. outgoing. i want to not care what people think, let them talk, and know that i am happy, and as long as I'm making other people happy, it is right.

7. brave
i want to be brave, in all sorts of ways. i love being on stage, by myself, or with others, singing for people is so great. being entertaining and having that kind of energy and attention feels so great every time. and i never get nervous. but when it comes to singing for a single person, or a few friends and family, i freeze. I'm never as good as i can be, and i freak out. i want to know that I'm good and share with them my love for singing and music. also, i want to be the daring one that will check what that noise was, or go down to the basement alone. dark won't scare me, neither will shadows and noises. i will feel secure in my house alone, and know that if someone or something comes to harm me, i can protect myself.

8. positive and grateful
i am one to know that there is always a bright side to things. everything. as small or great as it may be, we can not get through life without looking for the good in things. you may have to dig deep, but you will be able to find it! i also want to be grateful for everyone and everything in my life. god put it there for a reason, and i need to realize how lucky i am to have it.

9. religious
i seem to have lost, well not faith, but comittment in god and religion. i don't pray as much, and i havn't gone to church in quite sometime. i may not go to curch as much but i want to build my faith and look towards god when times get rough, even when theyre going good!

10. love my enemies
i remember in 7th grade orientation, the principle told us to hug someone if they are trying to hurt you. now i would never do that, but the point of it is what i remember. well the point that i got out of it at least. enemies think of you as bad, but really, you have a better relationship with them then most other people. keep your enemies close, because they know more about you then you would ever know. so the point of this one is, i want to always be there for my enemies, along with everyone. but if someone i don't like calls me up crying, i will talk with them and make sure they are ok.

11. love myself
i am always told that i put myself down too much. i don't think i am pretty, smart, outgoing, good enough for anyone, worth anything. none of that. but this year, i want to learn to love myself. i love others with all of my heart. but do not love myself. so theres one big one, learn to love myself, along with others.

12. there for my friends
i want to be there for everyone! any time of day or night, in good or bad times. when they need me, im there! to laugh with, to cry with, to talk with, everything. i will be there, here for them. they canjust stop by, and i'll be a shoulder to cry on. i will be here for them, as i would hope they will be here for me.

13. stop getting side tracked
i say i will do something, and i start it, i do. but i almost never finish it. so really this would be finish what i start. give my full attention to people that i'm with. multitask better. dont' get distracted, and work on self motivation.

14. no more cussing
this is pretty self explanitory. no more cussing! i know i won't stop completely, but tone it down a bit. =]

15. better myself
last but not least, i want to better myself. health wise, social, school, everything. no lies, i want to be truthful and honest. do what i want, not what others want, basically everything i wrote up top! do whats best for me, and the peope around me. and keep working on this list!!!!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!